Reality

Tomorrow I'm flying to Chicago to see my love(r) before I fly to Singapore for my job gig for what right now seems like a zillion of years.

I kind of don't want to go. To Singapore that is.... Call it whatever you want, call it cold feet. Call me a wimp. I mean, after all, I was pretty damn excited for, like, the last two months or so, ever since I found out about this international job opportunity. So what the fuck happened?

It's not like I think I am making a mistake and should have never chosen to move across the world in the first place.. It's just this never ending feeling of bitter-sweetness as I'm saying goodbyes to my friends, my family, the guy I love is becoming almost unbearable.

I don't want to lose the relationships I have with the people I hold so closely to my heart... and I know that some will remain close friends despite us being oceans apart. But others will inevitably drift away, fade out with time, or will simply forget about me whether or not I want them to.

Suck it, life. Sometimes you can be such a bittersweet bitch. And, sure, sometimes I can be such a near-sighted simpleton and not see the bigger picture... how this is good for my career and how I am basically moving to a fun, exotic location and will inevitably make new friends and blah bah blah... But still.

It just sort of sucks to finally face reality and no longer talk about moving like it's some hypothetical idea. Because I am basically packing up most of my shit and arranging international shipping and canceling my gym memberships and telling my cell phone company that I'm moving and I need to cancel my data plan. And it's becoming more real than I'd ever thought it'd become.

It also sort of sucks that I already know that the last day of this trip to Chicago will be me realizing how much I heart the guy and me fighting back the tears like I usually do before our goodbyes....

Only I've never said goodbye and I then jetted off to live in a foreign country before...