Sunday, June 28, 2009

Love and Sex

Goddamn it. I done did it again. I promised myself that I would keep my feelings in check and remain as neutral as possible about Mr. January, in an attempt to keep it as casual with him as humanly possible. Well. It all flew right out of my little window the minute Mr. J decided to come see me this weekend.The last time I hung out with him was back in April and I was sure that seeing him this weekend wouldn't really change my situation with him. I was wrong. The situation remains somewhat unchanged, however, my feelings have, in fact, evolved in an undesirable direction.

Mr. J called me just prior to parking in front of my apartment building and I took the elevator down to meet him in the lobby. He was looking great, leaning against his car, awaiting me. I gave him a welcoming hug and, as he wrapped his arms around me, I realized how much I've missed his hugs. We instantly reconnected - he was still that charming, funny, confident, sexy man I remember him to be. He was still that guy I was insanely attracted to. It was during our dinner at a quaint Irish restaurant and just before going dancing at a club (where, BY THE WAY, some random dude tried to offer us money for dancing at our table... joke or not, I was puzzled by that gesture, to say the least) that I decided that Mr. J will be the guy who's going to end my dry spell of a year and a half.

To say that we spent a magnificent night together would be an understatement, because I am pretty sure we were both quite spectacular. There might as well have been fireworks and a parade for us because, I think, this was the best romp I've ever had with anyone. And not to toot my own horn, but I am pretty sure that he had no complaints about me either.

Of course, in the heat of the drunken, passionate moment he said something last night to me that I kind of wish I would have been too drunk to remember. I am pretty sure he didn't mean it, but it was something that, instantly and inwardly, turned me into a big pile of mush. He asked me if I wanted to be his girl, and, naturally, I laughed it off as just another drunken statement, as a joke coming from a guy wanting to get into my pants.

However, this morning, as the sober clarity bestowed itself upon my mind, I realized that I DID want him to be serious. I did want him to ask me to be his girlfriend - long distance relationship or not - I wanted him all for myself, exclusively. I didn't want him to tell me about other girls, other crushes if he had any. I wanted him to be mine and mine only.

The scent of his Cartier cologne remained lingering in my hair long after he left to go home this morning. I thought about him constantly today, obsessing in thinking about the next time I might see him again, wondering whether our night together would ultimately change our friendship.

I think the best and the strongest romantic relationship you can ever develop is with a good friend. You've already got the foundation - similar interests, views and quirks. Even with physical attraction in the mix, sex does not become the focal point, but just strengthens the already existing bond. I've got both of those things - the physical and the mental connection - going with Mr. January. Deep inside, I am hoping he realizes sometime how good we would be together.

I can picture myself with Mr. January, frolicking happily in a field of flowers, surrounded by rainbows and unicorns but the near impossibility of such an outcome is already breaking my stupid heart that, somewhere along the way, managed to get itself into another strong emotional attachment.


Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Jealousy Woes

Mr. January is supposed to drive down to L-ville this or next weekend, and I am pretty thrilled to see him. We have been pretty casual with each other - each understanding that our immediate priorities lie elsewhere besides dating each other but also recognizing that, damn, we share an awesome physical connection (and it doesn't hurt that our personalities mesh well too).

Yesterday, however, in our conversation through a series of text messages, I caught a glimpse of a side of him that I was not aware of. I might be mistaking and basking too much in my own naivete, but I think he was... jealous. Jealous of me dating other people.

He texted me with an advise about his impending move to law school but the conversation quickly turned to a subject of dating.

MJ: You been dating someone? I haven't heard from you...
Me: No, I haven't been on any dates lately. I was gonna ask you if you were planning on coming down here one night this weekend?
MJ: Wow, one night huh? I'd like to for sure. Which night would work best?
Me: Saturday would work for me. I am taking Sunday off from work.
MJ: Sat better than Fri?
Me: Yeah, but I need to know what you're planning on doing by this Thursday. My friend wants to come down from Cinci to see this DJ at a club. I don't care for the DJ so I could tell him that I'm not gonna go with him. I'd rather see you.
MJ: Well if you have other guys to schedule me around, that's not fun.
Me: He's just a friend. Strictly platonic.
MJ: Uh huh lol. Just a friend driving 5 hours to stay the night and sleep on the couch.
Me: It's a 2 hr drive, and yes.
MJ: It's hard for me to believe youre not hookin up with these guys friends of yours. Cause no guy drives that far just to see a DJ...

I hesitate to text back... I am not used to Mr. January question my actions. He can't be jealous of my friends - my friends mean everything to me. So what if they're guys?

MJ: I am just careful with who I see and if they're seeing multiple guys, I just don't do it. You seem to always be having guys come stay the night lol
Me: Well I'm not hooking up with anyone if that's what you're implying. I told you 90% of people in my architecture program are guys. That's why I have so many guy friends.
MJ: Yeah but, I know guys too. And they never drive 2 hours to see a girl and stay the night just for a DJ. It's just you go on dates and have guys spend the night and drive from Cinci to see you all the time... what am I supposed to think?
Me: I only had 2 guys make the drive. It's really not that far. I'd make that drive to Cinci for a friend. But I think you should come this Saturday - I think you're cute and I wanna make out with you :P
MJ: But how many dates/ other friends you say that to? I mean we all know several different guys don't just come that far for nothing.
Me: Trust me you're the only "friend" I tell I wanna make out with.
MJ: I don't know if I'll come this weekend. Wouldn't wanna ruin your "friends" date.
Me: Well I have never been the type to hook up with my friends and I don't want to defend myself for something I don't do. I don't know anyone in this city - of course, I want my friends to visit me, who wouldn't? I don't know who you take me for, but I am not a slut who sleeps around with everyone.
MJ: I do believe you. Hard to believe but I'll believe you.

and seconds later...

MJ: Obviously I don't wanna just be a part of your normal rotation of guys. But what am I supposed to think? Put yourself in my shoes.
Me: We've been talking and hanging out for 6 months. Obviously, you're not just a part of a rotation as you call it.
MJ: But if you have plans with a dude, I wouldn't wanna interrupt.
Me: I'd rather make plans with you.
MK: Ok, I'll see what's up. You still want me?

After that we kind of mended things. Even though I was a little taken aback by his jealousy (?), I was kind of turned on by the fact that he appeared to care a little.

Okay, so I'm not stupid. I should know that I have every right to make out with any guy I please because Mr. January and I are not together. Whether he likes it or not, I will continue going on dates, continue seeing other people, regardless of what he thinks. Of course, I won't dive into details with him as to whom I've been kissing and who bought me a drink - I can see now that it's been bruising his ego. But then again, he really has no right to expect me to sit loyally by my phone and wait for him to call me, meanwhile remaining as chaste as a nun.

If things were different, I'd want him as my boyfriend. In this situation, however, I am not letting things go anywhere beyond lust - and that means keeping other people (guys) around me to occupy my mind.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Turning 21... Yet Again

I usually celebrate my birthdays with lots of booze at a bar with a bunch of friends - but this year... this year will be different. Don't get me wrong I will still be drinking it up at some point next week in honor of my big two-five, but the day of the anniversary of my twenty-first birthday will be spent at a classy, quaint restaurant with my rents. They are flying in all the way from Philadelphia to spend the weekend with me and I cannot relay how much I appreciate that gesture.

When I lived with them, there were many of times that we didn't get along, although I never lost the sense of how lucky I was to have parents like them. They have always been there for me, through my awkward teenage years, through my trials and tribulations of college, through my stupid alcohol induced car crash a few years back, through the biggest heartbreak of my life, through my journey through grad school. I could always count on finding peace and understanding in that little house at the intersection or R Street and J Street in Northeast Philly suburbia - no matter how many miles separated me from the place I will always call home.

Sure, ideally I'd like there to be a special guy to surprise me with flowers, take me out to a lovely dinner, and do the whole birthday wine-and-dine thing. However, I feel that if I was in a relationship I wouldn't have been able to achieve what I have thus far in my life. And though love is important, I am patient enough to wait for it. As long as it takes, baby, I will be here.