I've heard newly single people say that once they get out of a relationship and back into a single life, it is always hard to start dating again. Rules of the game inevitably change as people get older, dating skills get rusty without practice.
I understand what those people mean now. Having gone out on my first single-girls night out after a couple of years of always going out with my boyfriend or always telling guys that hit on me that I have a boyfriend, I finally have to get back in it and deal with all the shit that comes with being single again.
And it's weird, and awkward, and stressful.
First thing first, I don't know what the hell I want any more. I might have my shit together when it comes to my career, but my love life is in utter shambles.
I don't want to settle for the first douchebag that comes up to me and offer to buy me a drink, yet I don't know how to gently say no. So I stick around and endure mindless conversations about what they do, and where they're from, and why they're in Singapore. And no matter how good looking or promising they might be, I simply don't give a shit.
What I really want? (and I will never admit this to anyone, aside from, say, a few very select people in my life) I want my ex-boyfriend back.
I miss his smile. I miss him walking out of my room in the morning and hugging me as I do my work in the living room. I miss standing really close to him on a train as we go to try a new lunch place together. I miss our vacations in Bali and I miss waking up next to him and kissing him and being so grateful that he is in my life.
I love him more than anything and even though I haven't spoken to him in over a week now, I can't get him out of my head.
How is it fair that he is the one that gets to break up with me and leave me in pieces, as I struggle to be strong and clear-headed every day and fall asleep with tears in my eyes every night.
Why can't I fall out of love as easily as he did? I am so tired of pretending to be strong, when all I really want is for him to come back to me and say that he changed his mind and that he misses me and wants to be with me.
The truth is, if Brat Pitt himself asked me out on a date right now, I would still pick my ex over him. How fucked up is that?