Sunday, February 26, 2012


I usually pride myself on being a strong, rational, level-headed individual. But, lately, it has not been so. At all.

Somewhere down the line, I lost myself... Between getting over Mr J, dating The Banker, and making out with the rebound guy, I lost sight of the most important thing. And that thing is caring about MY well-being.

Sure, I work hard and I've got goals and I'm doing everything in my power to reach them. But in my personal life, I have completely neglected the person I've always wanted to become.

Instead, I am shallow, vapid, clingy, neurotic, angry, cynical, moody, and irrational. I look to men to be my distraction, my entertainment. And then I fall for them and I know it's because.... I'm freaking bored and afraid of ending up alone. I am just a mess and I don't know how this happened but, somehow, I arrived at a breaking point.

I can't do this to myself any longer. I can't do this to my heart or what's left of it. The only thing I can remain proud of is that I still have the will power left to not have random one night stands and to make my love interests wait for a long time before there's even a possibility of having sex with me. But still, this doesn't prevent them from playing with my heart like it's some useless toy.

This morning, due to various circumstances, I woke up feeling severely damaged and bruised. I just couldn't get out of bed and go to work, I still can't.

I called in sick and now I am lying here, trying to piece myself together. I think, everything came to a boiling point and now it's becoming painfully obvious that I am my worst enemy. If I self-destruct, I have no one to blame but myself.

So I'm getting a hold of the situation.

I cannot let men hurt me any more. I can't let my vibrant, joyful, terrific self get lost in the vapid faces of people who repeatedly lie and cheat and hurt me. I can't believe I let myself get to this point because I really do feel emotionally spent and disappointed in humanity.

But I have no one to blame but myself.

So I ended it with the rebound guy this morning (he didn't seem too heart broken about it. I bet he is just fine..). I am taking time for myself. I am not going to drink for a while, I am not going to date for a while.

I need to put myself first and be selfish for once. I need to be healthy, need to find my own stability and let genuine, good people into my life. I am tired of being disappointed, of being angry. I want to be surrounded by people who don't have a hidden agenda, or want to use me the first chance they get.

I need to be by myself for a while. For my own sake.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Other Options

The club is loud, crowds are obnoxious, music is crashing over my shoulders with its thunder and beats, my head is hurting from too much (or not enough) alcohol and I am standing with a slightly aloof look on my face, looking for friends amidst the throngs of other club-goers.

My rebound, (is that what I should call him?), was just spinning on the ones and twos, but now he is done with his set for a bit. I see him, out of the corner of my eye, making his way towards me with, I can only assume, his best girl friend that he mentioned to me once or twice before. Oh, here we go with the introductions.

He gives me a brief hug and introduces the girl, " This is A., my best friend I told you about. You ladies should get acquainted." He gives me another friendly squeeze and goes off schmoozing with DJs and promoters. Great, now I'm fucking stuck making small talk with this girl.

"He told me so much about you. He seems to really like you," the girl says with a wink.

"Really? He told you about me?" I am a bit surprised but kind of happy. We've only known each other for three weeks after all. But then again, best friends tell each other everything.

She seems slightly inebriated but still coherent. And considering that it is now well past 2 o'clock in the morning, I feel like I should be just as inebriated as well.

"Shots?" I offer and within minutes we are served two helpings of that beautiful poison some people call Jagermeister.

"So what do you think about him?" the girl continues. I guess she is fishing for something, so I have to be choosing my words carefully. After all, every word I say to her will, for sure, get back to the rebound guy.

"You know... I like him. I just think, and I told him this... I just think that I need to take things slow. I don't like getting hurt, of course, no one does. But I just don't want to be in that position again," I tell her frankly.

"Oh of course, and that's the way to do it with him," she pulls me in closer, as if she is about to tell me a secret, "I have to be honest with you, and I will say this as a girl to a girl, because I am on your side with this..."

I perk up and just nod.

"He talks about you all the time but you must take things slow with him," she repeats herself once again but then goes on, "All I have to say is that he has other options, so you have to be very careful. He likes you but he has other options, ya know..."

I nod some more and take things in. It's three in the morning now and, somehow, I feel a sudden urge to leave.

"I have to find my friends, I will be back," I tell the girl and, basically, sort of just storm out of the club.

The timber decking of the river deck where the club is located sounds especially loud as I stomp down it to the taxi stand with my heels. Several onlookers take notice and look at me in bewilderment. I bypass the guestlist stand, the hosts, the bouncers and take a detour to have a quick smoke by the river, where no one would take notice of my fury.

Other options. Excuse me? What kind of other options does he have?!

"Well, I"ll make his decision a little easier... He can have those other options because he sure as hell can't have me," I mumble under my breath.

The perfectly manicured palm trees around me are still in the quiet solitude of a tropical night. I hear a very faint sound of house music from the club which is now far away behind me in the distance. I take another drag of a cigarette and let the anger and sober realization sink in.

The drunk girl was only trying to help me. She was honest after all and my rebound guy is not in the wrong in any way to keep his options open. After all, it's only been three weeks. Everyone has options. They have to if they are just dating around. Even I have options, I just like to pretend that my objects of interest don't think about anyone but me. Which is, of course, absurd.

But why the hell should I care anyway? For now, he is just a rebound. Rebounds can have as many options as they want. I have my own row of available selections as well...

Okay, maybe I don't.

But if anything, what the girl told me last night will keep me in check so I don't get carried away with my new adventure. I can't do anything about his other options, I just have to make sure I have options to fall back on as well.

Friday, February 17, 2012


I think I've been getting drunk far too often to cope with my feelings, lately. I know, not the best solution to one's problem, but that gin and tonic look awfully appealing when you feel your laughter is about to turn to tears, when you are at a bar you used to go to with your ex, surrounded by things you used to associate with romance and butterflies.

It's that tantalizing first sip, that enticing second gulp that stings your throat with bitterness and promise. It's the way you start to feel after a while, like nothing and no one can hurt you, that liquid badge of courage that numbs your senses and emotions.

I say I don't care and that it doesn't bother me a bit that the break-up occurred but, the truth is, I am just not brave enough to admit to anyone that I am hurting. Maybe not even emotionally, as things were quietly falling apart for some time now, but definitely mentally. How he could just say that it's over and leave without even looking back.

Isn't this the way things always go? One person leaves because they can't wait to move on, while the other pretends to be all right, while they scramble to piece their love life together.

Truth is, I am throwing myself into this rebound stage where I feel like I am about to hurt a really good guy. And another part of me, the cynical one, tells my brain that I should go ahead and do it anyway, because there are no good guys out there.

I don't want to drink to suppress my feelings and I don't want to hurt the rebound guy, but I think I just might end up doing both, anyway.

Monday, February 13, 2012

It's Just Dinner

To get over a guy, I just might need to spend Valentine's Day with someone else.

As I was barely waking up from my funky, post-break-up blues, a new friend of mine offered to take me on a date.

"A date? I can't. I told you The Banker and I JUST broke up," I protested whole-heartedly. There is no way in hell I am ready to jump on that wagon again. It is way too soon to start feeling again. It is way too soon to be agreeing to go on dates. It is way too soon for, well, anything romantic at all.

"Come on. It'll be a casual dinner. You need to be cheered up, right? Let me take you out," he insisted to my utmost surprise.

I looked at him quizzically. He was, kind of cute, after all. Totally not my type, but why the hell not. It's just a casual dinner after all.

He's a new cup of tea to me, this friend of mine. He's Indonesian/Singaporean, by way of Los Angeles. An accomplished DJ and production company owner. Smart as hell and creative. He seems like a nice guy, and even if he's not...

It's a New Year. Maybe it's time to sample something new to get over something old. What's the worst that can happen?

Thursday, February 9, 2012

How to Behave During a Break-Up (A Classy Edition)

Ladies, (and I'm sorry gentlemen if I am leaving you out of this, but I can't really direct this to you personally as the post below will be coming from direct personal experience).... Ladies, you are about to get dumped. You know it, you've been feeling it coming for quite some time and though you did not want to accept it as reality... you did know that this was going to happen sooner rather than later.

A part of you probably wants to scream and shout and say phrases like "Fuck men!" and "I am going to remain single for the rest of my life!" A part of you wants to post vaguely bitchy messages on Facebook and run your mouth to all those that are willing to listen, telling them what an inadequate son of a bitch you ex-boyfriend really was and, probably, still is.

But, here's the deal. You are better than that. You are well educated, accomplished and kind of a big deal. You've got men (granted, not the men that you want...) swooning all over you and you've pretty much got your shit together (minus those random drunken nights that you had one too many... those things you pretty much want to forget). Keep it together. Follow the simple rules below and you're gonna come out as the absolute class act out of this breakup.

1) Wear a killer outfit to the place where you are going to have The Break-Up Talk. A coffee shop? A park? Yes, regardless, try to look flawless and effortless. Tell him that you are coming straight from work but, instead, take your time to put yourself together in a classy sleek, hip-hugging pencil skirt and a cute top. Make yourself look sexy but not slutty. Show him what he is going to be missing out on and do not, for one second, look remorseful about anything.

2) Be kind, flash a restrained smile and make statements like, "Of course, I understand. " Give a supporting reason why you DO understand so that it doesn't seem like you are agreeing just for the sake of agreeing.

3) Look at your watch or your cell phone clock, discretely but noticeably, as he is pouring his soul out to you as to why he cannot take the next step in a relationship. You are polite but you are also a busy woman. You've got places to go and little time to waste on people like your unimportant ex-boyfriend.

4) Do not flirt with the cute waiter that serves you your cappuccino, but look at him just for a second too long. Long enough for your ex to notice that, yes, you will be ready to move on in no time.

5) Do give him a hug goodbye. The kind of hug you would typically give your brother.

6) Do not turn around and look back once you've said the final parting words. Walk away with dignity. You never have to see him again. You will have more than enough opportunities for rebounds and relationships and breakups. He will be a blur in your timeline (thanks, Facebook, for ruining THAT word for me) in no time.

7) Do not cry. Convince yourself that you are all right. You ARE all right. Fake it 'til you make it and keep walking with your head held high.

True Story. Goodbye, Banker (and as much as I think that you're a stellar guy, go fuck yourself, nevertheless).