Friday, February 17, 2012

Titanium


I think I've been getting drunk far too often to cope with my feelings, lately. I know, not the best solution to one's problem, but that gin and tonic look awfully appealing when you feel your laughter is about to turn to tears, when you are at a bar you used to go to with your ex, surrounded by things you used to associate with romance and butterflies.

It's that tantalizing first sip, that enticing second gulp that stings your throat with bitterness and promise. It's the way you start to feel after a while, like nothing and no one can hurt you, that liquid badge of courage that numbs your senses and emotions.

I say I don't care and that it doesn't bother me a bit that the break-up occurred but, the truth is, I am just not brave enough to admit to anyone that I am hurting. Maybe not even emotionally, as things were quietly falling apart for some time now, but definitely mentally. How he could just say that it's over and leave without even looking back.

Isn't this the way things always go? One person leaves because they can't wait to move on, while the other pretends to be all right, while they scramble to piece their love life together.

Truth is, I am throwing myself into this rebound stage where I feel like I am about to hurt a really good guy. And another part of me, the cynical one, tells my brain that I should go ahead and do it anyway, because there are no good guys out there.

I don't want to drink to suppress my feelings and I don't want to hurt the rebound guy, but I think I just might end up doing both, anyway.

3 comments:

P said...

I can completely identify with this post, L. I have been doing pretty much the same all week since my ex admitted he was seeing someone else. Then I found out something else about him last night that made me feel worse. Big hugs.

Matt said...

I think it has a lot to do with how people view and approach alcohol. Functioning alcoholism is underrated. I mean, sure, don't drink to stop feeling, but drink if you want to drink. If you don't want to drink, definitely stop.

Standard Girl said...

I can relate to that urge to dull the pain, but ultimately alcohol works as a depressant, so it's only going to make your mood lower in the long run. May I suggest another alternative? I started running after a horrible break up, I was so filled with anger and pain, like a venom, running seemed to be a forceful way of letting the toxins escape. It doesn't have to be running...but you get the idea. Good luck!