I usually pride myself on being a strong, rational, level-headed individual. But, lately, it has not been so. At all.
Somewhere down the line, I lost myself... Between getting over Mr J, dating The Banker, and making out with the rebound guy, I lost sight of the most important thing. And that thing is caring about MY well-being.
Sure, I work hard and I've got goals and I'm doing everything in my power to reach them. But in my personal life, I have completely neglected the person I've always wanted to become.
Instead, I am shallow, vapid, clingy, neurotic, angry, cynical, moody, and irrational. I look to men to be my distraction, my entertainment. And then I fall for them and I know it's because.... I'm freaking bored and afraid of ending up alone. I am just a mess and I don't know how this happened but, somehow, I arrived at a breaking point.
I can't do this to myself any longer. I can't do this to my heart or what's left of it. The only thing I can remain proud of is that I still have the will power left to not have random one night stands and to make my love interests wait for a long time before there's even a possibility of having sex with me. But still, this doesn't prevent them from playing with my heart like it's some useless toy.
This morning, due to various circumstances, I woke up feeling severely damaged and bruised. I just couldn't get out of bed and go to work, I still can't.
I called in sick and now I am lying here, trying to piece myself together. I think, everything came to a boiling point and now it's becoming painfully obvious that I am my worst enemy. If I self-destruct, I have no one to blame but myself.
So I'm getting a hold of the situation.
I cannot let men hurt me any more. I can't let my vibrant, joyful, terrific self get lost in the vapid faces of people who repeatedly lie and cheat and hurt me. I can't believe I let myself get to this point because I really do feel emotionally spent and disappointed in humanity.
But I have no one to blame but myself.
So I ended it with the rebound guy this morning (he didn't seem too heart broken about it. I bet he is just fine..). I am taking time for myself. I am not going to drink for a while, I am not going to date for a while.
I need to put myself first and be selfish for once. I need to be healthy, need to find my own stability and let genuine, good people into my life. I am tired of being disappointed, of being angry. I want to be surrounded by people who don't have a hidden agenda, or want to use me the first chance they get.
I need to be by myself for a while. For my own sake.