Monday, November 23, 2009

He Ate My Heart

Just when I thought I could move on from Mr J, Mr H turned into a huge douche. It's funny how guys can go from good to evil in a matter of seconds. But I don't even blame Mr H for doing a complete 360 almost over night, despite the fact that I am still baffled why he does not seem to be attracted to me any longer, at least not nearly as much as he initially appeared to be.

Because Mr J is coming back to Ohio for Christmas and we will have a whole week to hang out with each other before I go back to Philly to see my family over my break from school. And, I hate to say it, but despite all the jealous outbursts and sporadic childish behavior from Mr J lately... I'm still looking forward to seeing this man after almost 4 months of being apart from each other. I am pretty much counting down the days (just 18 more!) until I see him again.

There's something that can be said about all of this when I still get butterflies in my stomach every time I think of this guy. Maybe Mr H came in and out of my life just to make me realize that I am just not ready to be over Mr J yet...

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Maybe I'm the One Who Gets the Last Laugh

Two years ago I got my heart broken in the worst way possible. I got dumped the day after my birthday... I got dumped in way that could make anyone cringe. He simply stopped calling, texting, deleted me as a friend on Facebook and blocked me shortly thereafter, stopped all communication abruptly and mercilessly. I was pretty devastated even though I didn't let anyone know about my heartache to anyone except for the two of my closest friends. On the outside I upkept the appearance of a calm, collect person; on the inside I was nothing short of being dead.

A few months later I found his myspace where I saw that he started dating a new girl. It took him no time at all to get over me, while it took me about 6 months, if not longer, to get over him. I saw the picture of the happy couple posing for the camera on a Jersey beach, all smiley, tan, happy, carefree. He looked so innocent and friendly showing off his pearly whites, hand in hand with a new main squeeze. Not a trace of worry on his face, not a single residual memory of me.

Several months later, I found out that he proposed to this new girl. I found out that they were scheduled to get married in December 2009. I felt violated once again.

I hated him for a long time before I could finally let go of the burden. In a way, that short relationship that I had with him changed me forever. It made me more cynical, but it also made me a lot stronger. Do I regret ever getting involved with him? Actually, yes I do, to this day. Even though the pain is long gone, I still realize that I suffered over him for much longer than he deserved.

I think I finally got over him a year ago, when I developed a crush on a new boy de jeur. As the hilarious and sometimes true saying goes, the quickest way to get over an old guy is to get under a new one. And though I didn't exactly do that in a literal sense, having a new crush certainly helped me let go of the past.

I haven't thought about the guy in a long time but today, for some reason, I wondered about the state of things in his engagement. I googled his name and found the link to the couple's wedding web site again.

Except that it said that their page no longer existed. Intrigued, I googled some more... it appears that they either broke up or, at the very least, called off their engagement. All the traces of the wedding-planning activities have been taken down; all the wedding registries with their names disappeared as well. The pictures of the happy couple all but took a dive in the bottomess abyss of e-waste, all traces of the potential happily-ever-after erased forever, or at least, for the time being.

And though I am generally not a mean-spirited or ill-wishing person, I couldn't help but whisper with all the satisfaction in the world, "Take that, motherfucker..."

Monday, November 9, 2009

The Least of My Worries....

I would talk about this really FUG, as documented by Facebook pictures anyway, kitchen that I know someone is installing, but I won't...

Because I am too busy getting ready to file a law suit against property owners of my last apartment building, because they won't give me security deposit back. And they simply don't know who they're fucking with.

Because Mr. J has been lending me his legal skills to guide me every step of the way in the process to make this lawsuit successful. He's even offered to call the property owners on my behalf to ruffle some feathers.

Because I have been feeling more and more guilty, since Mr J has been incredibly nice and helpful and, meanwhile, I am still seeing Mr H.

Because Mr H has been nothing but lovely and caring and sweet to me.

Because I am too busy juggling my indecisions and amorous thoughts between these two quality men, unable to cope with the fact that I have to lose one of them in order to keep the other one.

Because on top of it all, I have been attempting to write my master's thesis as it is refusing to write itself right now.

I feel absolutely lost and confused and selfish.
Need I really say more.