Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Catch Me


Sometimes I wonder how people, who only have been a part of my life for the briefest, time leave a lasting impact on me for years afterward. Their presence, however fleeting, has made enough impact on me to remember them years later. My presence, on the other hand, might not have made any difference or impression at all.

I tend to think of brief romances or flings at first. Most of them were never consummated - brief sparks of attraction, if that, they pop up in my head from time to time and I wonder why I am thinking about them at all. Like there was this one guy shortly after I broke up with my long-term ex-boyfriend who should have not been very memorable at all but, yet, whose face I remember to the smallest detail.

I met him during a girls' weekend to the Jersey Shore a couple of years ago at an almost empty night club my girls and I pretty much took over that night. He was sitting by himself, his contemplative gaze directly towards his beer when we walked into the club. I noticed him eye me up and down as I made my way to the bar to order my first drink and I could feel his occasional glances in my direction throughout the next hour.

I was feeling ballsy and empowered that night, fresh from a breakup and fiercely ready to face the single life, so I walked up to the guy and introduced myself to him. We spent the rest of the night talking and dancing and went down to the beach around 5am to watch the sunrise, all the while in a pleasant inebriated haze.

He was cute but stupid - I could tell that his intelligence was significantly below mine even as I continued to lose myself in a parade of drinks that made it into my system that night. But he was damn cute and I was certainly not looking to discuss quantum physics as I watched the sun rise at the horizon that morning.

Our light courtship carried over into that fall, as he did not live too far away from me but our physical contact never carried over beyond making out. I wanted absolutely nothing from that guy but to enjoy his cuteness as we bar hopped from one Philly bar to another all throughout that fall season.

"We should have had sex last night," he sounded hopeful as he said that to me over the phone one Saturday morning after another night spent in the bliss of Southern Comfort and strobe lights. He said that and I thought, "That's it. I'm done with him. I can't." and, just like that, I completely stopped talking to him.

It was weird the way I ended things because after that I did make a few drunk late night phone calls to him that were spread over the period of several months - we talked briefly every time, and for some time after that he did try to contact me on his own terms but I would never answer. I finally ended up deleting his number all together. The possibility of getting intimate with him was a strange turn off for me, despite his extreme cuteness.

I don't even know why I remember this guy as I felt so disengaged from him, emotionally and physically. There was nothing beyond his looks - no depth, no warmth, no connection and I was mean to him because I didn't think he was smart enough to have his feelings hurt by me. But it's safe to say that he somewhat cared and it's safe to say that I was somewhat of a bitch to him back then.

But why does it matter now, years later?

When I was sixteen, I remember reading The Catcher in the Rye for the very first time and getting captivated by what Holden Caulfield had said in the very concluding chapter of the book: "Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody." I feel like those might have been the most profound words I have ever read. I don't even know why Holden's sentiment is any sort of logical, but sometimes I feel just like J.D. Salinger described Holden to feel in those final few moments of the book.

I feel like that from time to time, about people who didn't really matter to me or people who I only met for a few moments at some random party. I feel like that about friends of ex-boyfriends whom I have only met once or twice and cute guys at bars with whom I only have had the most superficial word exchanges. I feel like that about kind strangers who give up their seats to the elderly on the buses and sassy women at the DMV who renew my driver's license, receptionists and random people's babies.

At some very inner, subconscious level, I kind of... care about all of them. And, bizarrely enough, I still miss all of them too.

11 comments:

P said...

I can get this way too. I think it's kind of a sadness in that you will never know the person better...

Jack Lily said...

This seems to always be my problem as well. Caring for all people and having no clue as to why. Maybe we're just more observant of those we come into contact with? Who knows.

Derik said...

Time is a thought conceived in the human mind, thus rendering moot anything which it has perceived as backwards from this moment.

I tend to leave what I dropped on the ground.

Tyson K said...

Your post stirred up some memories. One in particular is quite a few years ago, working as a patient attendant while in uni, I sat with the very last surviving Cdn female veteran of WWI on a palliative care shift. Simply buzz the nurse when she passes... No family there. Didn't know her at all except through mementos and pictures around the room... Yeah. It was an impressionable night. Two days later she did pass away and there it was on the National news. Alone one night, top news story the next.


http://UGottaHearThis.blogspot.com

Shrek Font said...

I agree with you!

Maevon said...

As products of an infinite universe, in one way or another, we are all connected. If it's any consolation, there is most likely someone out there who never properly met you, but saw you just once then ran home to write a song about the way some girl looked laughing at a joke a friend was telling her at the time.

O.G. said...

It's funny I think we all have those thoughts about random strangers - maybe because all of the good stuff is so condensed that it makes it more memorable or maybe it's about the way we felt about ourselves in that particular situation.

I just found your blog, and I'm looking forward to reading more - your last post about online dating was hilarious.

Marko said...

I think something like this happens to all of us from time to time.
However different someone might be from our expectations, there is always a chance some small detail about them just won't go away.

I usually try to learn something positive from such episodes instead of trying to avoid them. It usually works! ;)

Paulo Gutierrez said...

I don't know what compelled me here. I was jumping around from my friends blog and just kept clicking next blog. Catch me caught my eye; and I read on. I know for sure that I am having one of those people pass through my life right now.

right now I am going to go see her though our relationship is strained; complicated; insane. I don't want her to be gone. I don't want to be missing or missed.

I will dare myself to stay.

Inspiration for a Generation of desperation said...

We are rare! I guess its just the way people like us were formed, always caring for others that dont even remember who we are. I find myself in this state of mind alot! Great Post! Check out my blog at: http://generationinspiration.blogspot.com/

Anonymous said...

Gucci
Replica GUCCI SHOES
Replica GUCCI handbags
wholesale gucci shoes
cheap Gucci shoes
cheap Gucci handbags
discount gucci shoes
Gucci shop
Gucci bags
Gucci shoes
Gucci ON sale
Gucci Belts
Gucci small accessories
Gucci hats & scarves
Gucci wallets
Gucci Handbags
women Gucci shoes
Men Gucci shoes
Gucci
Replica GUCCI SHOES
Replica GUCCI handbags
wholesale gucci shoes
cheap Gucci shoes
cheap Gucci handbags
discount gucci shoes
Gucci shop
Gucci bags
Gucci shoes
Gucci ON sale
Gucci Belts
Gucci small accessories
Gucci hats & scarves
Gucci wallets
Gucci Handbags
women Gucci shoes
Men Gucci shoes