Wednesday, February 17, 2010

I'm Gonna Give It to You Next

Valentine's Day sucked.

I mean, basically, I'm not even going to sugarcoat it and lie about receiving flowers and poems and presents from the man of my dreams, aka Mr J. No, no, as much as I want him to be my knight in shining armor, I will be the first one to admit that he was the one who screwed me over and made the special day of love the worst Valentine's Day in a couple of years.

Granted that last year I received a dozen of beautiful roses from a good looking gentleman (that I wasn't particularly attracted to) and this year the first message that I got from Mr J was him being unreasonably and insanely jealous of a friend who wrote on my Facebook wall merely wishing me a "Happy Valentine's Day". I was pretty disappointed and heart-broken, to say the least. I immediately texted Mr J with a very sarcastic and telling "Happy Valentine's Day to you to..."

The rest of the day proceeded to be a blur of arguments, accusations and apologies. Mr J almost immediately said that he was sorry for, allegedly, "forgetting" about V-Day, even though later on, he changed his story to telling me that he was really about to wish me a "Happy V-Day" until he saw a questionable post on my Facebook wall. It didn't matter to me... any of the apologies and any of his reasons didn't make much of a difference because, by that point, my day had already been ruined.

So the events that transpired since February 14th may or may have not been in my best interest and judgment. Still fuming over my Valentine's Day fiasco with Mr J, I decided to take this guy, whom I met a couple of weeks ago at a club, up on his offer and go get a couple of drinks with him tonight. I've decided that I would keep a open mind and go on a first date I've been on (that was not with Mr J) in a many months.

The new guy was smooth - he picked the day and the time and the place for our date - and I was impressed with the location he chose for our meeting. A quaint, tucked-away bar in the middle of a beautiful upscale neighborhood on a hill overlooking the entire city of Cincinnati. So it was just me and the guy for the first thirty minutes at this historic beautiful bar. Candle light, live music, delicious wine - it was a perfect setting to sweep a girl off her feet, and boy was I ready to get swept off.

I dressed casually, not trying too hard to impress but definitely going for that effortless, casual elegance that is oh so appropriate on a typical Wednesday night. He was looking fine, a bit older than I remembered him to look the first night I met him, but dashing nonetheless. We ordered our first drinks and moved a bit closer to one another at our corner table, in an effort to get to know each a little better.

We talked and talked. The wine felt good in my system. And I was... I was the girl on the edge of my plush seat, for the first time in what seemed like ages, genuinely interested in the guy who was sitting across from me. The candle light reflected sparking seduction in the guy's eyes and I made several conscious efforts to not stare at him too hard as I spoke to him about this and that.

"So, how are you enjoying Cincinnati? Better or worse than Philly?" his hand brushed lightly against mine as he moved in an inch closer.

And...

And all I could think about was Mr J.

The way he would talk to me, if he was sitting right across from me at this precise moment. The way his eyes would meet mine and the way his lips would part and curl lightly in the most radiant smile I've ever seen. My beautiful man was not there with me and I was on a date with someone who just didn't quite measure up despite all the seeming perfection on the surface.

I excused myself and walked to the bathroom to take a breather. I checked my phone. There was a text message from Mr J - the first one in a long while that was not full of jealousy and distrust. It was a message from Mr J I fell so deeply in love with:

"Hey cutie, thinking of you. Have a good night ;)"

My heart turned into a professional acrobat at that instant and did backward flips and cartwheels.

I returned to the table and drank another glass of wine and talked about exciting things and places I wanted to do and visit with the guy who made so much effort to take me out on this lovely date. The guy touched my hand a couple more times. And it felt nice, and it felt genuine. It just didn't feel quite right.

I promised the guy a second date but, frankly, I don't know if it's ever going to take place. After all has been said and done, time after time, I still continue to realize that I am so in love with Mr J that I can't even enjoy being with anyone else.

And maybe I shouldn't even bother with anyone else for the moment. Not even when Mr J and I don't quite see eye to eye.

12 comments:

literate and stylish said...

Hi! Just started following your blog (and am new to the blogging world).

Great blog.

Sorry your Vday weekend sucked :(

Staying Young in 2010 said...

I really like your blog. I am new at blogging and find yours insprational to what I am trying to achieve myself.

Cheer up, if Mr J is right for you things will work out, just remember to always tell people you love- that you love them- it is worth it!

P said...

This must be a total head-fuck - you must be so confused, and Mr J's behaviour can't be helping either!

MissAtoZ said...

If it makes you feel any better, my Valentines Day date last year took me to a motor cross and we came back to my place after. He left to go to a 'party' without inviting me. The next day I found out that the 'party' was in another guy's pants. He was bisexual...the fuchsia American Apparel v-neck should have given it away.I'm pretty open, but that was too much. Mr. J would have upset me too. We deserve to be treated better than that.

ME said...

What a bummer. :(

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Pope Broin Eammon the Raven said...

Ah the incredible antics of the middle aged male and his all to common troubles with jealousy and miscommunication. I wish you luck with your troubles of finding a suitable mate. the best one will be the one who you are weirded out by at first! fuck the socially accepted

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Moni said...

I've had this experience...all the same emotions, the same date, the same text, same everything. There really is no point in trying to date if you're in love with someone else. It'll always be compared to that one guy you cannot let go of...that you still have a thing for. great blog btw!

philosothink said...

your "love subroutine" was already engaged with another. I'm totally familiar with this, married 12yrs, separated for 2.5 an divorced for 1.5... and my love subroutine still has it's hooks in my Devil Woman. I've sorted it out logically and rationally, but I've come to understand there are subconscious and biological elements that are beyond rational control. Only time and distance can cause these hooks to release I believe.

Personally I find your commitment subroutine to be in proper, and commendable function... but like most of the rest of our species, it's got an undeserving target.

I try not to judge harshly though, because J has is own subroutines, and programs, and one must look at him objectively and realize who programmed him, and ask oneself, has he risen above his program, or is he still on autopilot?

I love your blog, and I appreciate hearing your innermost thoughts on your struggle.

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