Thursday, May 24, 2012

Who Knew

Mr J never said it, though he sure as hell implied it over those 3+ years of our quasi-relationship. I tried to fish it out of him, tried to see if he felt what I was desperately trying to get out of my system but could not say during all that time.

The Banker never said it. It was sort of clinical, in a way. There was some intense affection on the surface but, beyond it, I saw hardly anything deep and lasting. It became very obvious after a while that I was feeling exactly the same way. I was attracted to him, mentally and sexually. Nevertheless, there was something missing... something important that prevented us from going any further and made him break up with me.

And with the 21 Year Old, it's so simple. Sometimes I think, it's almost TOO simple. Isn't there a catch to all of this? But then again.. shouldn't it ALWAYS be this simple when it's right?

11 weeks in, and he said it.

Via a text message but, you know, I'll take it via any form of communication it might come.

Friday, May 18, 2012

For Good

Last night he called me - the man I, once upon a time, considered to be The One, without even a hint of hesitation in my mind.

He texted me first, and I saw his name light up on my iPhone's screen as I pulled the phone out of my purse in the middle of the dance floor. I saw his name glow in the dark and I glanced at the 21 Year Old cautiously. Did he notice? Does he know that I was once in love with the man on my iPhone screen?

I ignored the text. I did not feel any trepidation that I might be resented or scolded for simply putting my phone back in the bag without replying. Actually... I felt nothing, no remorse, no butterflies, no anxiety.

The feeling was gone.

He tried contacting me again by calling me this afternoon on Skype (1am St. Louis time for him, 2pm for me), I picked up just to say hi. He wanted to "catch up" aka he wanted sex - a once routine transaction between him and me as we tried to keep the sparks of a withering relationship alive despite the distance. I starred at him blankly and firmly said no, and said no, and said no again.

"I like your hair," he said.

So what? You want me to take my bra off now in exchange for the compliment. You don't know me at all, do you?

The feeling was gone.

He always has a funny way of coming back in my life, this Mr J character - the once-upon-a-time love of my life - just as I start moving on with someone new. I never tell him about my new men. I don't owe him anything any more.

But this time I had to say that I wasn't gonna entertain the thought of flirtation. I was done and I had to move on for my own sanity's benefit. He didn't seem to understand, of course, but I didn't care this time.

The feeling was completely gone.

Am I sad that I let this love go by? Yes, a bit. But I had to do what I had to do. I could not stand waiting for him and watch myself age with every passing year, hoping that we would be together and that he would morph into a man I wanted him to be. At some point, frankly, my career became more important than him. That's when I decided to move to Singapore. That's when he still didn't get the point that I was trying my best to move on if he didn't change his ways.

So I moved on for good and, to be honest, this next chapter of my life is looking better than ever. Even without him being one of the main protagonists.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Cake, and Eat It Too.

Sometimes people tell me I can't or shouldn't have something, but I just nod my head in agreement, "Yes, I think you are absolutely right, this is a stupid idea...", and then I continue doing it anyway. Because even though I know it's wrong, it, somehow and inexplicably, feels very right.

"No, you're right what am I thinking? I am as surprised with my actions as you are..." I say.

I say it but don't really mean it. The "what am I thinking" part. I know what I am thinking and I don't care if others might disagree. I want to do what makes me happy.

Sometimes I might see, or imagine that I am seeing, judging or confused glances from old Chinese women walking past us down the street. And sometimes, when a random guy attempts to hit on me at a bar and my younger guy comes back from the bathroom and wraps his hands around me with a smile, the random guy looks at me in, perhaps, disbelief and at him with, perhaps what I'd like it to be, envy.

Like, maybe... "How did you land this girl?"

And sometimes, I simply choose to have tunnel vision and shut my side eye to the world and walk down a Singapore street holding hands with the 21 Year Old in a complete state of bliss.

It feels good to let go of inhibitions, or preconceived notions and expectations. Even when it goes against my own expectations. Even when my mother says, "I will completely disapprove if you decide to seriously start dating someone younger", I just choose to ignore, ignore, ignore.

The way he treats me, the way he talks to me, looks at me... outweighs any doubts I might have about the longevity of this relationship. The fact that I am holding off on sex for the time being (trying to take it as slow as possible) and he is still sticking around after 8 weeks of seeing each other without so much as a single complaint is what is making me that much more impressed. Maybe this guy is for real and not just after bumping uglies and bailing.

Or maybe it's this eternal Singaporean summer and beach and sand and water and graceful palm trees that got my head spinning, thinking I am on an ever-ending vacation and can get away with anything, but I couldn't be any happier dating this guy.

I am not looking to meet guys at clubs any more, I've got someone who's offering me more than my previous ex - a 30-year old very established multimillionaire banker ever could.

He's offering me blissful happiness. At least for the moment.

Why, thank you, I'll take it.