Sometimes people tell me I can't or shouldn't have something, but I just nod my head in agreement, "Yes, I think you are absolutely right, this is a stupid idea...", and then I continue doing it anyway. Because even though I know it's wrong, it, somehow and inexplicably, feels very right.
"No, you're right what am I thinking? I am as surprised with my actions as you are..." I say.
I say it but don't really mean it. The "what am I thinking" part. I know what I am thinking and I don't care if others might disagree. I want to do what makes me happy.
Sometimes I might see, or imagine that I am seeing, judging or confused glances from old Chinese women walking past us down the street. And sometimes, when a random guy attempts to hit on me at a bar and my younger guy comes back from the bathroom and wraps his hands around me with a smile, the random guy looks at me in, perhaps, disbelief and at him with, perhaps what I'd like it to be, envy.
Like, maybe... "How did you land this girl?"
And sometimes, I simply choose to have tunnel vision and shut my side eye to the world and walk down a Singapore street holding hands with the 21 Year Old in a complete state of bliss.
It feels good to let go of inhibitions, or preconceived notions and expectations. Even when it goes against my own expectations. Even when my mother says, "I will completely disapprove if you decide to seriously start dating someone younger", I just choose to ignore, ignore, ignore.
The way he treats me, the way he talks to me, looks at me... outweighs any doubts I might have about the longevity of this relationship. The fact that I am holding off on sex for the time being (trying to take it as slow as possible) and he is still sticking around after 8 weeks of seeing each other without so much as a single complaint is what is making me that much more impressed. Maybe this guy is for real and not just after bumping uglies and bailing.
Or maybe it's this eternal Singaporean summer and beach and sand and water and graceful palm trees that got my head spinning, thinking I am on an ever-ending vacation and can get away with anything, but I couldn't be any happier dating this guy.
I am not looking to meet guys at clubs any more, I've got someone who's offering me more than my previous ex - a 30-year old very established multimillionaire banker ever could.
He's offering me blissful happiness. At least for the moment.
Why, thank you, I'll take it.