How do we find our worth?
I've been critical of people relying too much on their partners for their source of happiness. Clingy and with no backbone and life of their own as I saw them, I've laughed at those people. After all, how could they lose sight of their own selves and give themselves so wholly to someone else without any regard for their own well being?
I'll never be one of those people, I said to myself from time to time again. I am the epitome of independence, paving my own way through life and not relying on anyone (well, maybe a little bit on my parents but, that's besides the point). I am the modern woman, confident (at least for the most part), happy with myself (most of the times), fiercely tough and oh so well put together at all times.
But today, after over two weeks of routinely spending about, and often more than, 20 hours a day on work to prepare for my thesis presentation and receiving a lackluster review, I realized something. I rely on work for my source of happiness. Work is what controls my life 100% of the time.
Crazy, isn't it? As I stood in front of my thesis critics, surrounded by presentation boards and half-numb from sleep deprivation, I heard them say things about my project, I heard them ask questions. I responded with as much interest and enthusiasm as I could muster up while trying to not fall asleep standing up. I wrapped up the presentation and took down the boards. Ad then itt was over. Just like that.
And as far as the last two weeks go... Can I really ever get them back? Am I any better than those people I laugh at who spend all of their time catering to and adjusting their schedules so they could spend as much of their time as possible with their significant others? Perhaps, they are too dependent and perhaps their co-dependency is not healthy. But am I really better than them?
I've let my work control my life. And a healthy dose of passion is never a bad thing - if I ever end up finding a job in my field in THIS economy, I am certain that I will be happier than about 90% of employed people out there. But I have also sacrificed all of my social life, all of the joy one gets from the first few days of spring, and all of the meaningful conversations I could have had with my good friends from the past and present. And for what? Work? How am I any better if I am just as dependent on work as others are on their lovers?
Maybe it's time to close the lid of my laptop, walk out on my balcony and get a lungful of fresh air for the first time in two weeks. Or maybe, as it is in my case, it is time to simply fall into somber sleep for about fifteen hours.
Starting.... now.
5 comments:
but arent we technically still depending our happiness on something when we are not relying on someone for our happiness?
passion and complete focus in something you enjoy is not a bad thing. people are overrated anyways:p (i kid)
Sit back. Relax. Have a glass of vino. Or ten.
You deserve it.
I wish I felt that passionate about something. Even a job!
Maybe the difference is you have been concentrating your efforts on something you've chosen because it interests you rather than obsesses you?
Sounds like you are going to be fine because you have already seen how all involving work can be at times and how draining the wrong relationship is. You will always check and double check whether you've got this work/life balance sorted.
After the last few months you will be rinsed so just indulge yourself with something and nothing. Relax:)
Agree with @TheMiddleChild,
If not 'relying' on people,we hope and wish that things we are working hard upon yield favorable results.. and it does happen - you work your butt off on something and it does not work out even close to what you thought it might..
There's a famous saying in India -
"You have a right only to the your hardwork/input, never on the fruit"
=]
PS: Lovely blog - cheer up!
It is worth it. And you're right, imo, in not wanting to be dependent upon another person to feel complete.
I think, your work consumes your time, but not your life. In order for birds replace themselves, they must court, mate, build nest, feed, protect... Your work now consumes much of your life, bit this is a preparatory phase.
Caterpillars must work to become butterflies!
Happiness isn't gained from others, or from work, it springs from within. We all have a "happiness equation" ( most are unbalanced equations :). It is unwise to count on another to balance this equation, or even for your work. For tomorrow could bring crippling injury, or the loss of your special someone.
It is my heartfelt belief that our culture has become too egocentric and happiness-centric. We have come to feel that if we are experiencing unhappiness that it must be someone's failing, or that something is wrong.
It's as if there is no middle ground, if one is not happy, then one is unhappy. It seems to me that this is the critical error in our culture today. There is a middle ground, the lack of happiness does not equal unhappiness. Happiness and unhappiness are extremes of a wide range of feeling.
I believe that a calm mind is the answer. Something that is drowned out by the drama of modern life. With a calm mind, if your not happy you are still content. If you are unhappy, you realize it is not all encompassing and the drama of temporary situations do not overwhelm us.
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