Friday, March 5, 2010

My Heart and What He Did to It

Someone noted my blog as one of their favorites to read on and to that someone, I say, thank you and I am super excited that my semi-coherent ramblings can actually be considered a good read! So please check out, if you will or care to do so, the interview thingie I did at Just click the button above (cause I finally bothered to learn how to link pictures to things) and gimme some love!

You know when your friend goes through a tough break-up, you are the epitome of rationality, comforting and nurturing and telling him/her that no matter how bad it hurts, it will, inevitably, get better?

Well, it does get better. You know it does. Surely, you are certain that it does. You've been through this before - you had to let someone go or someone let you go for whatever reason and the pain was unbearable for some time. When you knew that what you were doing was for the best, and that there was no viable future for you and your former companion, and that your tears and hopes were not worth remaining in the dead-end situation, you put on a brave front, kicked your heart to the curb and let your brain make the rational decision. And you felt that pain. And you dealt with it somehow. And you came out a stronger individual as a result of your experience.

But when you, yourself, end up in that very same situation once again, all rationality goes right out of the window. And after you've cried uncontrollably in your pillow to stifle your sobbing because the walls of your apartment were too thin and you didn't want your neighbors to hear your laments, after you've wiped your face with a tear-soaked tissue and reminded yourself that you deserve so much better and that he is a fool to treat you this way, you still felt that painful pang that felt more like a punch to your heart. And that's when you questioned yourself, asking "Is it really going to get better?"

Okay, so I am talking about myself here and the final straw that broke a camel's back in the ongoing saga with me and Mr J. After he declared that he will be "too busy" to visit me for his spring break this week, I've decided that I've had enough.

Enough of his irrational jealousy and late night phone calls, enough of him questioning every single post on my Facebook wall by my very platonic male friends, enough of it all. I am done with Mr J and, this time, I do believe that I'm done for good.

I have been living in a fantasy land for the last several months, thinking that, somehow, Mr J and I can end up together. Who am I kidding? He is not ready for a relationship. Instead, he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Well... not even eat it. He just wants to control the cake and question the cake about cake's every single move. But the truth of the matter is, the cake is very single and, as some time passes and the cake will find a rewarding and fulfilling job and settle down somewhere, the cake will be ready to date again.

So, as the cake... I mean, as I am sitting here and having a second beer and feeling the alcohol begin to dull my pain, I am ready to call it quits on this quasi-relationship for good.

Goodbye (and fuck you), Mr J. Someday you'll be nothing but a distant memory and, someday, you will realize that you've let a great girl slip right out of your stubby fingers. Don't worry, that day will come, but it will be far too late to salvage anything you've already irreparably destroyed.


elle said...

i'm not religious but, amen to that.
break ups can absolutely be one of the worst things to have to endure (or atleast it seems so at the time). from experiencing some bad ones myself, my heart goes out to ya <3 you'll find someone better, promise <3

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P said...

I'm sorry it came to this with Mr J - after so long of reading about you and him I was really rooting for you two, as you know - but at least your decision gives you a conclusion and closure instead of months of limbo. You'll meet someone better for sure!

OG said...

Sounds like a good move. Once jealousy seaps in to a relationship there' nothing but trouble. Breakups are tough - but if you can manage to stay strong through the first month you're golden.

The Middle Child said...

it doesn't make things better, but know that there are others going through similar pains alongside and you're not alone.

Derik said...

Sweet interview thingy. As for the rest, what is there to do but spew cliche phrases and cast aspersions?

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Jack Lily said...

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I just went through a similar situation recently. Best wishes.

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philosothink said...

Heartbreak... an odd thing isn't it?

Falling in love is far more mechanical and predictable than we would like to believe. It's our culture to think of Love (ray of light and heavenly chorus) as some magical force that is meant to be for everyone and that it should sweep us off our feet and make everything right...

But, did you know that you can tell if you're blood type compatible with someone by their kiss, if they taste bad, you may have unhealthy children, or worse.

There is a sensory organ in our nose that can detect, by the odors from the bacterial fauna of our potential partner, whether or not their immune system is opposite of ours, and as a result have healthier children?

Recent studies have found that being on the pill, and pregnant can flipflop this mechanism. So if one falls in love while on the pill, and then quits, they may find themselves not liking this person suddenly!

We become attracted to someone because of their outward appearance and behavior matches the criteria of our biological and psychological preferences. We begin to fall for them because they behave towards us in the proper way, and they taste and smell the right way. We fall in love with them when our brain gets it's neurochemical cocktail at the proper proportions because of these things.

Falling out of love has a very similar process. There is a period of loss and mourning for this aborted pairbonding cycle. Much like being drunk, we must wait for the drugs to wear off before we're free of their influence.

Imagine if you will the complicated process birds go through even before they mate and lay eggs, and some birds will wait for a lost mate to return for the remainder of their lives, as they are not equipped with a mating cycle abortion routine...

You're human. In time the calmness of your mind will return and you're currently taking the best path I believe. You're investing in your future and attempting to not dwell on the past.

All of this is just uneducated hillbilly opinion... so take what's useful and throw the rest out, but I would sincerely like to suggest that you wait 6mos at least before trying again. It's been my experience that rebound relationships have too much hold-over behavior and even pain resolution, and never work.