I kept telling myself this entire time - "You can't fall in love with him." There is no realistic future - he's going to law school, he will be too busy and I will be too busy for a relationship. We will be so far away from each other, I can't afford to wait for him for three years or close to it until he gets his degree, he is not going to wait for me and going to go on living his life.
Just yesterday, he told me that he can't imagine having a relationship in law school because work will take up so much of his time... he wasn't addressing the girlfriend/relationship comment specifically to me, it was just a general conversation snippet that got stuck in my mind. I knew what I was signing up for when I allowed myself to be close to him. I knew from the get go that he didn't want a relationship. I knew it all along. I told him I was on the same page with him and, for a while at least, I was.
Yet, of course, I gradually fell in love, despite my better judgment.
I am disgusted for being so melodramatic right now. This is so not me. Just months ago I was worried sick that I completely lost my ability to love because it's been such a long time since someone had touched my heart in a really profound way. And here I am now, undeniably, head over heels. This guy is everything I want - I love his eyes, his smile, his sense of humor, his confidence, his personality. I love that gentle way he kisses my forehead, making me melt inside. I love the way he hugs me.... I can't joke around any more, diluting myself into thinking that I am impartial to this whole fling with Mr. January.
Because, God damn it, I am so in love. When he left to go home today, I sat in my bed and balled my eyes out for about five minutes because I so did not want him to leave. More than anything, I wanted to ask him to stay, to wrap his arms around me, kiss me on my forehead and tell me that he was going to be my guy. That we are going to get through all of the trials and tribulations together. That I would see him again very very soon.
I am so worried that this will be my biggest heartbreak yet and I don't want to repeat the fiasco from two years ago when a guy simply shattered my heart and the pain was so paralyzing that I could not sleep. That guy was just someone I met at a bar. Mr. January is my good friend - I am attracted to him on every level - and I think that this is what might make my potential heartbreak even more painful.
I don't ever, ever want to feel that pain again. It is my worst nightmare to lose my good friend and to have my heart broken all at once. I feel like such an angsty teenager writing this but I cannot help it because I can't even tell my family about this situation. I am so torn up inside right now and 0n the verge of tears. I wish I could have been more careful, I wish I could shut myself off from feeling anything right now. But I can't. I am so in love and I can't help it. I just can't help it any more.
Mr. January, I hope you never read this, but I am so in love with you.