Je Ne Parle Pas Francias?

I am packing it up to jet away to the city of never-dying romance and croissants for an entire week. Paris, here I come!! Business (I will be interviewing an architect for a magazine I work for - I'm talking... this will be my entrance to the big leagues of the writing world, without ever getting a degree in journalism) and pleasure (I will be visiting a friend who is interning at a French firm) combined, I expect this trip to be both overwhelming and exhilarating.

Knowing absolutely no French at all, I purchased a pocket English/French phrasebook and carefully wrote down the French translation for "I don't speak French, I speak English" in the empty Notes section in the back of the book. I have a feeling I will be using that phrase a whole LOT. I also printed out maps, maps and more tiny little maps, upon which I scribbled notable attractions and points of interest. Of course, with so many places that need to be visited, I need to be careful to not overextend myself on drinking too much wine during my, sure to be, numerous nights out. My hangovers have been getting more severe lately - I think it's cause I am getting older - and I cannot afford to spend an entire day in a hotel bed, when there is so much beauty to be seen.

My friends and Mr. January instructed me on not speaking to anyone at the airport and the metro. Mr. J scared me with some stories of two girls being picked up at Charles de Gaulle airport and being sold into slavery. Sweet, it's not like I was already a little apprehensive of meeting French men with curly hair who do not know the importance of using deodorant.

Despite the warnings and my complete lack of knowledge of the French language, I have no doubts that this will be an adventure that I will remember for the rest of my life. With all the upcoming sight seeing, partying, dining and debauchering, my only regret is that Mr. J won't be there to experience it all with me. After all, what a perfect setting it would be for us to explore the romance capital of the world, before he goes away to law school. Oh well... maybe someday, if we'e still dating and have the money, I will let him propose to me atop of the Eiffel Tower. Hell, I will let anyone propose to me at the Eiffel Tower - just feed me a bucket of wine first.

But I think I am getting ahead of myself just a little bit here.

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May Be Lost/But Not Forgotten

Ya know what? I like this. I like being in love. I got a hold of myself shortly after I broke down like a little school girl during the last post and was finally able to evaluate the situation with Mr. January after clearing my head with some sobering thoughts:

-Chances are that Mr. J and I will NOT end up together. Does that bother me? Yes. Am I coming in terms with it? Somewhat. Am I letting it stop me from enjoying myself and the way my heart feels at the moment? Absolutely not.

-I am still allowed to flirt with other sexy guys out there. Granted, I was never much of a flirter - I hardly ever giggle and bat my eyelashes and act a cute little fool in front of a guy, unless I am on a DATE date. Granted that when I am infatuated with someone (ahemmrJahem), it is very hard for me to notice someone else, even if it is Ryan Reynolds walking down the street shirtless (okay... maybe i'd notice Mr. Abs-of-Steel-Reynolds.... but he's one in a million). And this is coming from Miss Wandering Eye, as I never miss an opportunity to silently drool over a hottie if he happens to cross my path. No, no, when I am infatuated with someone, he is the only guy who occupies all of my thoughts - there is no room for any other hunky poster boys. Nevertheless, I need to remind myself that I can still enjoy being single, regardless of my feelings for Mr. January

-Mr. J is just a reminder that there ARE wonderful guys out there who are cute AND smart. I mean, I am so continuously refreshed by the fact that Mr. J has the looks and the BRAINS. As I get older, I am becoming increasingly intolerant of guys who have nothing intelligent to say or have no personality. I remember this one time I went on a date with this guy who didn't know who Sarah Palin was, and that was right before the election!!! I wanted to smack him silly and shake the boy to his senses. What a waste of a human being it is when a person does not possess a thirst for knowledge. What a mistake it is to think that someone who loves books and learning needs necessarily to fulfill the stereotype of a nerdy geek and be dull and boring in all other aspects!

-Mr. J is studying to be a lawyer. That means 80-hour weeks of work - hardcore, grueling hard-as nails work, but the truth is... I need someone like that! My passion for my profession is tough to handle by those who are not passionate about their jobs themselves. I seek to find an individual who can work hard, be happy about the work he does, and carry that happiness over into other aspects of his life. I want a guy who pulls long work hours like me, comes home ready to kick off the night in style, takes me out to an amazing restaurant to savor the irresistible flavors of French, or Italian, or Russian, or Japanese food, then comes back home with me for a night of mind-blowing love making. Though I am 25, I still have the energy of a 15 year old and I'd love for a guy to share my indispensible love for life with me, instead of moaning and groaning about work and being a couch potato.

All in all, my rant's purpose here is to motivate myself to embrace the love that I am feeling right now, to not be afraid of getting hurt (if heartbreak is in the cards). The truth is - I am thankful for Mr. J, however fleeting his presence in my life may be. He reminded me why it is so good and healthy to love and why opening up my heart is always worth it.

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WIshing Away....

I kept telling myself this entire time - "You can't fall in love with him." There is no realistic future - he's going to law school, he will be too busy and I will be too busy for a relationship. We will be so far away from each other, I can't afford to wait for him for three years or close to it until he gets his degree, he is not going to wait for me and going to go on living his life.

Just yesterday, he told me that he can't imagine having a relationship in law school because work will take up so much of his time... he wasn't addressing the girlfriend/relationship comment specifically to me, it was just a general conversation snippet that got stuck in my mind. I knew what I was signing up for when I allowed myself to be close to him. I knew from the get go that he didn't want a relationship. I knew it all along. I told him I was on the same page with him and, for a while at least, I was.

Yet, of course, I gradually fell in love, despite my better judgment.

I am disgusted for being so melodramatic right now. This is so not me. Just months ago I was worried sick that I completely lost my ability to love because it's been such a long time since someone had touched my heart in a really profound way. And here I am now, undeniably, head over heels. This guy is everything I want - I love his eyes, his smile, his sense of humor, his confidence, his personality. I love that gentle way he kisses my forehead, making me melt inside. I love the way he hugs me.... I can't joke around any more, diluting myself into thinking that I am impartial to this whole fling with Mr. January.

Because, God damn it, I am so in love. When he left to go home today, I sat in my bed and balled my eyes out for about five minutes because I so did not want him to leave. More than anything, I wanted to ask him to stay, to wrap his arms around me, kiss me on my forehead and tell me that he was going to be my guy. That we are going to get through all of the trials and tribulations together. That I would see him again very very soon.

I am so worried that this will be my biggest heartbreak yet and I don't want to repeat the fiasco from two years ago when a guy simply shattered my heart and the pain was so paralyzing that I could not sleep. That guy was just someone I met at a bar. Mr. January is my good friend - I am attracted to him on every level - and I think that this is what might make my potential heartbreak even more painful.

I don't ever, ever want to feel that pain again. It is my worst nightmare to lose my good friend and to have my heart broken all at once. I feel like such an angsty teenager writing this but I cannot help it because I can't even tell my family about this situation. I am so torn up inside right now and 0n the verge of tears. I wish I could have been more careful, I wish I could shut myself off from feeling anything right now. But I can't. I am so in love and I can't help it. I just can't help it any more.

Mr. January, I hope you never read this, but I am so in love with you.

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