The Balance

I'm on an intense internship hunt - that is, I am applying to at least 2 firms a day, and I am determined to work for a firm that I would not only be absolutely thrilled to put on my resume but that I would truly enjoy working for. Big names, big cities - I am looking for the cream of the crop and, despite the horrific economy, I am fairly confident that something awesome will roll around my way.

I don't know if I am being overly optimistic but I think that even in the current job market there are some internships available for talented people. I like to think that I am one of those talents.

The cities I am looking for can be summed up by two words - Not Cincinnati. I am looking for every excuse to get the hell out of here as soon as possible so I am not even considering any firms in Ohio right now. Chicago, New York, Washington D.C., Miami, Houston, and even Nashville are all looking much more attractive than this tragic midwestern town.

I am cautiously optimistic that I will get the job within a reasonable driving range (5-6 hours) from Cincinnati solely for one reason and one reason only - the guy I'm seeing. Of course, my New York and Miami options will take me well out of that driving range but I am, by no means, going to let a guy determine by job options right now.

Our situation is interesting because he is just as driven as me and he is applying to law schools all over the country, so it's not like I will be the one leaving him in the dust. He's also preparing for his LSAT's right now so our communication is very much limited to phone calls and instant messages. But.... I kind of like it that way. I am content in this because I am a career girl and he's a career guy. We are completely honest with each other and we have no expectations. I am not worried, not nervous, I am simply happy.

I am happy that I like him, happy that I can still concentrate on my work. This just might be the perfect balance for my career and love life and I'm not gonna lie, I do wish that I could maintain this balance during my internship, wherever that might take me. But then again, everything is so new with this guy that I still need time to figure out if things are perfect just because they're new or if they are perfect because we are on the same wave length.

I am willing to wait and find out and until then, I might as well go look for more jobs.

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Memento

So I don't know, ladies and gentlemen, I don't know a lot of things about a lot of things. I certainly am no expert in categorizing my own emotions or decoding my urges and desires. I analyze and over analyze many things that I feel are worth saying and sometimes I regret not saying how I feel. What is this all leading up to, you ask? I don't know... or maybe I do and I'm too afraid to say it, even in my blog, under a thin veil of anonymity, I still feel the need to guard myself.

What I CAN say right now is that I think I've met a pretty great guy and a part of me is too afraid that a fiasco from two years ago will repeat itself and I will fall for someone whose affection turns into deception, but a part of me is so ready and willing to accept this feeling for what it is.

Because when I was sitting in my Place and Dwelling class this afternoon, my thoughts unexpectedly turned to him and I, unwillingly, smiled. Because when I was walking to my car in a blistering cold today, I wasn't merely walking, I was floating on air.

So who cares if it's all just an illusion and if it all dissipates with time. Who cares that in two months I might be getting an internship in another city. Who care that this fall he might be moving to another state to go to law school. Who cares that he may not turn out to be everything I want him to be. Right now, at this moment, after two cups of coffee and a looming school-related deadline ahead of me, I take a timeout and think of him. Right now, at this moment, everything is perfect.

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I Get Knocked Down, but I Get Up Again

Sometimes my heart lingers on and on and I can't forget one person, that one guy I had a brief romance with for months, even years. Sometimes it's the complete opposite though, where one week I'm crazy about one person but the next I have my eye on the next guy.

This is not to say that this behavior translates itself into "promiscuity". I am very picky as to who I get intimate with and I have to really get to know a guy first to even get to that stage in a relationship. However, I'm at a different point of my life now than I was, say, a year ago. I say that I can wait as long as it takes for that right guy, and that still holds true. But where a year ago it was really hard for me to even acknowledge that I might have feelings for a guy, right now my heart is very much open to romance.

I've always waited for a fairy tale romance. I've always pictured a guy falling madly in love with me and from day one recognizing that I am the one for him. I've always pictured an old-fashioned way of dating this Prince Charming, where he would pick me up on his white horse, er I mean white Cadillac, take me to a tasty sushi restaurant, followed by some jazz lounge for cocktails, followed by some demure flirting and compliments whispered softly in my ear.

I realize that it probably won't happen that way because deep down there are more things that I want from this guy. Some of those things, surprisingly, go against my better judgment and that makes me wonder if I'm grown up enough and mature enough to handle a relationship.

Just last week I was so swept away by this guy I met in Philly because he was the first guy to treat me just the way I feel I deserve to be treated. Sure, a lot of things and compliments he said to me sounded rehearsed but I knew that I would be leaving town in a short while so I didn't mind that.

This week, and it's too premature to say at this point so I won't go into too much detail, I met someone else who lives in the Cincinnati area. He actually called me last night, while I was at a bar with friends, and I did an emotional cartwheel in my head the minute I saw his number pop up on my phone. I stepped outside to talk to him and we chatted for about 15 minutes. I should have just left it there and waited for him to make the next move, but of course, I didn't.

Thoroughly inebriated, I texted him later on in the night with "It was really nice talking to you :)" He responded promptly with "You too, girl. Are you having a good time?"

I was. And I had enough to drink to continue texting him for the next hour or so. Like, how dumb of me to just lay it all out there and let him know how interested I am in him. While it's true that when I met this guy, I felt an immediate connection with him - the kind of connection that I've only experienced a few times in my life. I was so excited about feeling that way again that I wasn't even worried about letting my guard down so soon. I figured, it's about time. Even if I end up getting hurt, it's about time for me to get hurt again.

Of course, it's a bit disappointing for me that I let the guy know that I think he's pretty incredible. He's one of those types of people who lets such things immediately go to his head. He's already got a pretty large ego, and the last thing he needs is knowing that some girl thinks he's the bee's knees only five days after our initial meeting.

I guess now my strategy would be to wait for him to initiate contact with me. That is, if he still wants to talk to me. Only time will tell how all of this turns out. Until then, I sit tight, remain sober, and play the waiting game.

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