"You've got a beautiful body. You've got a beautiful face. You've got a beautiful personality. I like your sense of humor and level-headedness..." he whispered to me last night, as I laid next to him in his bed, debating whether or not I should just do it and sleep with him, or hold off on that for a bit longer until I am absolutely sure.
He told me how I am just so damn special in between kisses, and I looked at him wondering how everything about him seemed so normal at the surface, but how lately... lately, I have been feeling that ignited spark, those butterflies just starting to fizzle away. Slowly but surely, I am feeling less passionate and more indifferent, without finding reasons for my fickle changes of heart.
Okay, so maybe shit isn't perfect between us. He's far too juvenile for my taste. I am surprised to be admitting this, since I tend to go for more... youthful-minded guys, perhaps, to find some diversion and, therefore, balance to my, often, demanding and time-consuming professional life. But lately, I guess, I am finding myself on a road to discovering that, to me, being young at heart no longer means going to keg parties and talking about Peyton Manning and Tony Romo until my brains explode. I have graduated from Bud Light to Chiante and Merlot, from band posters to vintage art prints, from boys to men.
He is also not as ambitious as I am, in terms of his career goals. It is fine if he is still figuring out what he wants to do, but I kind of feel like he is not even at that point yet. Like, he's procrastinating and waiting til God knows when to set up some basic goals for himself. I don't want a crazy workaholic - I've got enough of that in me, but I want someone who doesn't just daydream about what he wants, but takes it a step farther and actually goes after it.
I suppose I am also feeling a bit of outside pressure, seeing as I have been single for two years now. A part of me feels like I should at least try and make this relationship work, cause what do I have to lose? I feel like my friends are wondering sometimes why I have been single for such a long time. But I, myself, think that I will be more content if I stay single, instead of seriously getting involved with someone.
Whatever. I guess I am still in search for something (someone) else. And I guess I feel like I've got all the time in the world to find that person, so I am in no rush to settle down. This week's trip to Philadelphia to see my family before school starts up again should clear my mind up a bit.
And as for The Neighbor? I suppose, despite my complains, I am still satisfied enough to stick around in this relationship a bit longer. After all, I am in no rush.