Saturday, September 15, 2007

Say It Right

I answer. “I knew it was love because it was enough to just be in love with him, you know? I didn’t care at all if he loved me back because just the feeling loving him felt so good.”

-Anonymous Blogger

There once upon a time was this boy...

He had killer dance moves, a radiant smile, a badass style, and amazing-smelling hair. At least, I think his hair smelled amazing... I never got that close to him to find out.

He made my heart skip a beat every time I saw him and I would go places I knew he went to, just to watch him from afar. He was the one who told our only mutual friend that he thought I was cute. I found out about it and I thought to myself, "Fuck, why do I have a boyfriend? I really like this guy." Yes, I had a boyfriend at a time but that night when I found out this other guy liked me, I regretted being in a relationship more than anything in my life.

In my defense... well, there's nothing really I can say in my defense. It was what it was. I developed the biggest crush on a guy who was not my boyfriend. But, the boyfriend and I had other problems before the new guy came along. I suppose, it was just the universe's way of confirming that I no longed wanted to be in a relationship. But I shouldn't be making excuses.

I broke up with the boyfriend, because I couldn't get the guy with killer dance moves out of my head. He lingered on my mind pretty much 24/7, and I was unable to think about anything or anyone else. All of the sudden, I became an irrational ball of emotions. Every Monday I wished it was Friday already, so I could go to the club down by the river to see him there. When we did see each other, we usually exchanged a few words, a couple of glances, and just once, a dance. He told me me I looked damn good in my halter top that night and I was impressed that he noticed my new shoes. He liked me, I thought while laying in my bed that night unable to fall asleep. Goddamn, he was the most gorgeous man I had ever laid my eyes on.

Then, in a blink of an eye, it was over. The guy was apparently over me, and summer of '06 was over as well. The club down by the river closed for the fall and since it was the only place I knew that the guy with the killer moves went to on a regular basis, there was no way for me to see him again.

I guess, in a sense, he wasn't anything special. We didn't have an emotional connection, and we never shared even a single substantial conversation. It was a one hundred percent physical attraction, and before meeting him, I would have laughed at the very notion of me falling for someone based on purely physical attributes.

Does this make me a bad, superficial person? I don't know. I don't feel like I've done anything wrong. Some may say that I sacrificed a long term relationship with a boyfriend for someone I barely knew. But I say that (I'd like to believe that) it all happened for a reason - I needed to be single. Single life's been good to me, and this past year was definitely the best year of my life. Albeit my sex life became pretty much nonexistant. Nevertheless, the break-up was a good idea; the reasons for it may not have been.

So, how do I feel about the guy with the killer dance moves now? It took a long ass time for me to get over him. Took me too long to give up the hope that he might start pursuing me again. I miss the idea of him. That idea of a hot boy next door who might, just might, be my potential soulmate.


Clearlykels said...

You know- I'd say that the relationship wasn't right for you and if it was this interest that got that message to you, then it was worth it. Plus, always good for a story.