I'm 23 today. Here it comes, another year. It's weird to me to think how much had changed since June 14th, 2006.
Back then I was sharing an apartment with my ex in a beautiful little suburban town. Back then... well, I guess not that much had changed since then, except the whole giant apocalyptic break up thing. It just feels like it's been so long ago. I'm feeling nostalgic but certainly not regretful about the break-up. I would do it all over again.
And now it's 9:10am on Flag Day - the most underrated U.S. holiday. It's 9:10am and mrX still hasn't wished me Happy Birthday. Gasp.
I've noticed him acting very differently this week. He's being distant, unaffectionate and though he still says he will come to my Birthday party, I feel like now he is saying this more out of a sense of duty than anything else.
I also think I know why he's been acting shady lately. Last Friday, we had sex for the first time. And it's not like I've allowed myself to get this close to him right after we met each other. No, no, kids, I made him wait. And wait. And wait, and wait, and wait. I did not want him to use me and then get rid of me like I was a disposable item for him to play with. I guess, I thought that the more I made him wait, the more likely he would view the act of "doing it" as an expression of affection rather than just a physical urge.
So now I think he might be trying to become gradually less and less involved with me without looking like a total douchebag. He's failing miserably so far. I mean, my ultimate insult for a person, male or female, is to call them a "douchebag". And boy oh boy, is he being one right now!
I really don't regret the act of having sex in itself. I thought it was damn good and I thought I was rather good as well, considering that I have not been seeing any action in that department since late August of '06. I just regret getting slightly too involved in him, too wrapped up in my feelings. I let myself trust him after being so cautious for so long. Most of all, I'm mad at myself for throwing all the precautions to the wind and finally falling for him and saying that I was in love.
So the plan of action for now is to not contact him all day today and see what he does or doesn't do. Gosh, a phone call would be nice. It IS, after all, my birthday. With that being said, I will not let this man ruin my birthday. I can firmly state that even if he decides to be a total scumbag and not show up to my birthday party tomorrow, I will have as much fun as ever. After all, I will be celebrating with at least 7 of my dear friends at my favorite club in the city. It won't be raining which means the deck will be open so I can dance under the stars til the wee hours. If I just sit back and think positive thoughts, things will work themselves out.
They always do.