Friday, October 28, 2011

Unofficial Official

You know that perfect moment that you keep telling yourself you deserve?

That you deserved all along? And that you fought all doubts and let down all those walls you built up because, finally, you thought, finally you found that person who could be everything they say they are.

The perfect moment where you let your guard down for a guy. And you say to yourself, in sheer surprise:

"Well, that wasn't so bad, was it? My heart is still in tact. I am still here. He didn't reveal his true ugly colors or confessed that he had a girlfriend or that he was impotent or that he had children or that he was emotionally unavailable. He is actually what he says he is. He is as close to perfection as they come. Hang on to him, you silly self, hang on to him, damn it!"

The perfect moment where he asks if he could list you as an emergency contact number when he gets somewhat seriously injured and has to go to a hospital over night. The moment that he gives you a door code to his apartment so you could let yourself in any time you wanted to.

The seemingly perfect moment where you silence your doubts and just let things take their natural course and let yourself... almost let yourself get swept away?

Yeah. THAT moment.

It feels damn good, doesn't it?

Until you find out, through happenstance, that your Mr Perfect has an active profile on a dating site. And, yes, Mr Perfect told you before that he was on the said site and that he was looking for a serious relationship, whether he met that right girl online or not online. And you were perfectly okay with it, and just assumed that he took the profile down when he asked you to be exclusive.

Until you found out that he logged in again just four days ago. And then again yesterday, just before he took you out on that date.

Until you try to convince yourself that, MAYBE, you are overreacting and it's just nothing and he is just curious. And then you realize that, MAYBE, just maybe, he is just fishing for someone else that is not you.

That you are not a girlfriend after all. You are just a girl he is dating for the moment.

Just a girl that is unofficial as the last one.

And you realize that maybe his last girlfriend did not leave him because he was working too hard all the time. Maybe she left him because she realized that she was not his girlfriend at all. She was just a girl he was dating at that moment.

Nothing more. Nothing less.


Anonymous said...

Hey, I hope your love-life doesn't suck all the time.
These stories are like, idk, sometimes miserable and sometimes happy.. i wish you the best tbh.

P said...

This is why I hate the dating scene in general. It's not really like that in the UK, although an ex of mine did do that whole dating site, seeing several people at once type thing. It makes things so complicated in my view.

Can I ask how you know he logged on?

Laundramatic said...

well, what happened was, my friend actually told me that she saw a guy who looked exactly like the banker on this dating site.

I used an old username i used a while a go when i used to use the site as well, and searched for him. On this site, you can see the date and time when the last person logged on was...

On one hand, I think I should ask him "wtf", on the other hand, since things, besides the dating site thing, are going wonderfully, I think I should ignore this for now.

But, really, what do I do?!