In This California King Bed...

We are not ten thousand miles apart... In fact, we are becoming closer than I though we would, skin to skin, with your warm breath on my bare shoulder. Yet, I am still guarding my heart and guarding my steps and guarding my sanity because I know that if I lose myself back again, I will lose myself for good and for a while.

You look at me and kiss the palm of my hand, and then each one of my fingers. I feel like giving in because it is better than feeling like I want to give up. Yet, I hold back because men like you are rarely an open book. Most often, men like you have secrets of your own that I almost do not want to uncover what you have got hiding in your pandora box. Though, men like you make my head go spinning, like I am still drunk from a night before.

The bell at the clock tower somewhere outside but nearby strikes noon, yet we do not move. I do not want to call a cab and go home yet. Yet, I know I have to leave and make my day off meaningful, filled with my dance classes, my futile exercises in writing and daydreaming about greatness.

Your skin feels so smooth yet rugged and masculine. Your ass looks damn good when you slowly get up and walk out of your bedroom to go find your phone. I sink my left cheek back into the heavenly pillows and sheets and close my eyes to shield them from the incoming rays of unforgiving tropical sun peeking in splices through the half-open shades.

I want to fall asleep again but I conquer my laziness and slip on some clothes and go find you. You're in the kitchen, cooking eggs in nothing but your boxers. I momentarily consider taking a picture of you just like that, blissfully unaware of my presence, and sending the candid picture to GQ magazine to brag about what it is that I am seeing right now. Take that, Ryan Reynolds.

Yet I simply stare for a few seconds and disappear back into the shadows of the hallway.

I just want to go back to your California king bed.

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Too Little, Too Late?

The last several weeks had all been leading up to one question. I knew it. He knew it. It's like the moment I started giving Mr J a cold shoulder, he instantly turned into a big Cling-o-saurus and laid out all of his feelings on the proverbial table.

Needless to say, I wasn't surprised when Mr J, after 2.5 years of informal, on-and-off dating, finally popped the question.

Well, no, he didn't ask me to marry him but, what do you know, during our video chat he just blurted it out:

"So would you like to be my girlfriend?"

Well, well. Color me surprised.

With those eight words, Mr J had officially outdone himself once again with his own shenanigans. Let's quickly review the craziness: he waited until I crossed the Atlantic and flew all the way across the world to live in another country for God knows how long to finally decide that he was ready for a very formal, very official commitment.

Now I am faced with a new dilemma. The problem in question is that I don't know if I want the same thing as Mr J any more. So I basically had no choice but to dodge the girlfriend question. I told him that I had to Skype with my mom and that, with the way he and I had been fighting about my going-out habits, it is not really a good time to be solidifying our relationship.

What I did not tell him about is the fact that I am still seeing The Banker who, despite his flakiness, has been quite a little charmer. Yeah, omitting this (not so) minor detail is a major faux pas on my end, but I am just beyond confused about my personal life and sorting this shit out just seems like too much work for me right now.

I am going to try and ride this wave for just a bit longer with, perhaps, disastrous consequences.

But what's a girl to do when she's not sure? When a guy she's been fancying for what seems like a lifetime now had always refused to define the relationship in specific terms, until now? When a guy she's been fancying now lives a 25-hour flight away? When a guy she's been fancying went from telling her that he's not sure if he can ever fall in love with her to professing his commitment?

And when the said girl no longer has all of her eggs in one basket.

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Back to Basics

I mean, it is what it is. When a man says to you that he has to "watch the volatile stock market" and, therefore, can't hang out with you during the week and then doesn't follow up and doesn't offer to make any plans for the weekend.. well, that just means that a man is simply not that into you.

Now, I don't care how busy that man might be. The world might be crashing all around him but if he really wants to see the object of his affection, he will find a way. So while he says that "watching the volatile stock market" is his prerogative for this week, I am not naive enough to buy it for a second.

I mean, I often work 12-hour (sometimes 12-hour-plus) days, write for two blogs, write articles for a web site and am currently learning how to design a web site of my own and still... I have time for social obligations.

But it is what it is. And it's one of the reasons that I don't let myself start opening up my heart to a guy if we'd known each other for less than 4 weeks.

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A Big What If...

There was one fine day in the middle of May when I checked my application status to Georgetown MBA and, after having been waitlisted for two months, I finally saw the words I so longed to see:

"Congratulations! We would like to welcome you as a member of the Class of 2013"...

But I was already in Singapore, for my work trial here in this far far away country. Oceans away from Georgetown, and DC, and America, for that matter.

So, I decided to waste away the money I had spent on b-school prep courses and the time I had spent preparing for my GMAT and writing my essays, and I said "No" to Georgetown.

Should I have changed my careers? The funny thing is, after all the hoopla and after so badly wanting to have been accepted to that prestigious university, I didn't feeling like getting my MBA was my calling. I was not excited. Proud, yes, for getting in. But not excited.

But if I hadn't picked to go Singapore, I could have been closer to Mr J. I would have never met The Banker (who I am on the fence about...) and I would have never lied to Mr J about The Banker (or the fact that I am not seeing anyone here). I could have been closer to my friends and family, only a three hour car-drive away. I wouldn't have had to sell my Jeep. I could have gone to my best friend's fiance's bachelorette party in Vegas. I could have....

Some decisions are really a big leap of faith. I am still trying to figure out if my decision to move thousands of miles away from my friends and loved ones and give up Georgetown was the right one.

Singapore is, amazing, after all. But my heart will always long to be closer to home sweet home.

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