The Freak Out

Cue in the violins - I am about to feel sorry for myself.

I am terrified of the future and the job situation in this country and the fact that I can't just pick and choose the city I want to live in, once I finish school in June. 50% of architects lost their jobs in 2008 - that means all of them are in the market to find something... anything to earn enough money to get by. So when a person, who's in top 5% of her class, can't get a job anywhere and keeps getting "We are not hiring, sorry" emails from her dream firms, what's a girl to do?

Plan A - Try to get a job at the magazine I worked at over the summer, get a bartending/hosting job at some mid-range/high end restaurant or a sales job that pays commission. Look for a better job in a mean time. Attempt to not freak out.

Plan B - Keep on applying to firms through the summer, as I have enough rent money to last me through August, and at the same time, study for GMATs and apply to a top-tier business school. Abandon architecture. Spend another three years broke and with no life. Attempt to not freak out.

Plan C - Move to some big city, maybe close to Mr J?, go door-to-door terrorizing architecture firms with my resumes. Get a part-time job in a related field... a publishing company, a branding/marketing firm until some company decides to hire me as a full-time employee. Attempt to not freak out.

Plan D - Go to Vegas, wear the shortest, sluttiest dress money can buy, pick up an older gentleman and have him pay for all of my shit. Attempt not to freak out at the thought of becoming a person I despise.

Plan D is, obviously, not in my cards. But the first three plans sound just as terrifying because of all the uncertainty they bring. I mean, the thought of being open to move anywhere - from California to Providence, RI - without even having a clue of whether or not I will even find a job, is insane. But that's what I gotta do.

And then yesterday, Mr J and I talked on the phone about this and that, and that's when I brought up a suggestion of him visiting me during his Spring Break.

"Well, I don't know what I am planning on doing yet. Some people were gonna go to Chicago, but I probably won't go," he says.

"I think you should come and visit me then. Come for a weekend, you'll have more fun with me anyway," I insist.

"I know, but won't you be too busy with school?"

"I can find the time - I can't imagine having too much work that particular week. Besides, if we don't see each other over Spring Break, who knows when or if we will see each other again..."

"Why do you say that?!" he sounds a bit surprised, but I am, in turn, surprised by his reaction.

"Because I don't know where you or I will end up after May.... you know?"

"Yeah..."

He wants to transfer law schools and is looking at places in New York, Dallas, San Diego, Cincinnati... I am looking everywhere there is a job, willing to relocate to states/countries I couldn't picture myself living in previously... Alabama, Georgia, Connecticut... even Canada. Mr J's and my life paths are very hard to keep from diverging but when and if they do... well, I will lose a piece of myself somewhere in the process.

And that's what makes me want to freak out the most.

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On Eligible Bachelors

Just this morning I decided to check my old online profile that I created on a dating site for about a month or two when I was trying to move on from Mr J. I remember being so unimpressed with the quality of the dating pool candidate that I quit the web site after a slew of creepy messages found their way into my inbox.

Like for example this gem from just two days ago. The subject of the message is "Feelings", so even before opening it, I certainly felt that the message would be a great source of entertainment.

"I have done a lot of thinking and learning about feelings and emotions. I've noticed that many people who don't show feelings through emotion (there are many other ways to show feelings) tend to feel much more deeper than those who express feelings emotionally. I could talk a bunch about this but figure I won't bore you with pages on it. Lol"

I can almost picture this winner sitting down on his couch one day, with a notepad and a pen at hand, saying to himself, "Okay, I am ready to learn everything there is to know about feelings..." And, boy am I glad that there are other ways to show feelings other than through emotion. Now I am truly educated on the ways of the world.

Is this what passes for flirting these days?

There may be "plenty of fish" in the sea, but with the caliber of these fish... well, I am just going to let them swim out there while I am enjoying my own private pool.

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Lost in Translation

A friend of mine got a job and worked in Italy over the summer at this architecture firm. She found the job at the very last minute, was very uncertain as to whether to accept the opportunity or not, as originally she wanted to stay in the US. But she finally caved in, seeing as there were no other offers, and decided to go to Italy - knowing almost no Italian at all.

When she returned home in September, the first thing that she told everyone about was her very new, very Italian, very non-English speaking boyfriend. She was head over heels in love, though her Italian, according to her own accounts, hardly improved at all over the summer. She told me that it was very difficult to communicate with the guy, but she was willing to take Italian classes during the school year to improve.

She also told me that she was willing to relocate to Italy for permanent residence after finishing school in June. I believe, the M-word (marriage) was dropped in the conversation a couple of times. And as fantastically romantic as this whirlwind relationship sounded, I could not help but ask myself if my friend and the Italian had anything more in common than the commonly-shared infatuation with each other's foreign accents.

Being in a long-distance relationship is tough, but being in a relationship with someone who doesn't even speak your language is... foolish? I bit my tongue, of course, and kept my skepticisms to myself. There is nothing you can do or say to get a person to fall out of love, I knew that much.

The Italian boyfriend flew out to the United States to meet the girl's family over Christmas break. My friend was very excited as she was certain that this visit would solidify her relationship with the Italian and take things to the next level.

Instead, the visit put everything in question. I suppose, I will never know the whole story but it seems as though my friend's family was not too crazy about the guy and the guy was not too crazy about the potential idea of moving to the States in order to be with my friend, even though initially my friend was more than willing to relocate for love in order to be with the Italian.

A part of me wonders if I would ever be capable of falling in love with someone who does not speak my language at all. Is real, genuine love even possible when all the attraction is based on looks and giggly moments of trying to communicate with each other despite the language barriers over a bottle of wine?

Sure, it sounds like fun for a fling. Rachel, from Friends, had a great FLING with an Italian guy she met during the blackout in her apartment building. But, ultimately, no matter how amazing the sex was, she chose Ross at the end. She simply got bored of smiling as a primary form of communication.

My friend is no longer sure if she wants to leave her family and friends behind and move to Italy to be with the Italian, the M-word is no longer mentioned during conversations. In fact, she is not sure if she can continue the relationship for much longer.

But I almost feel like saying, "What relationship?"

Sounds to me like it was just a summer fling.

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Some Other Beginnning's End

So I had a blog entry up yesterday for a couple of hours about my Ex, which I posted because I suspected that he still read my blog. Even though it is a public blog, it still made me uncomfortable that he read it. He promised that he would stop reading the blog if I stop talking about him on here. So if anyone happened to come across the entry during the time it was up, I've decided to take it down as I am a woman of my word. I can only hope that I don't find out some way that, another three years from now, he is still reading this despite what was promised.

With that off my chest, I do have something new to report about Mr J.

Tonight I was feeling somewhat antsy as many things in my life are uncertain right now - job, where I am going to live 6 months from now, and the boy situation.

So as I was texting back and forth with Mr J, I decided to ask him a testy question:

"So if I were to, hypothetically, go on a date with someone, would you be upset?"

Gosh, that was immature of me to say that but it was a weak moment and I was wanting to pick at this guy's brain a little bit.

He texted back with, "So if I were to take someone to a dance in two weeks, would you be upset?"

So I guess he was testing me as well. I know this boy well enough by now to know that he is not the best at communicating his feelings but, whenever I am honest with him, he mans up and says what's on his mind as well.

"Even though I asked you first and you didn't answer... yes. I would get a little jealous," I replied. Here I was putting myself out there.

"Well... there is no one I am going to take. If I do go, I will go alone."

So he WAS testing the waters, trying to figure out what I would say.

"Well, I am kinda glad you won't be taking some girl hehe," I typed the last four letter awkwardly as I was trying to lighten up a conversation that, in its essence, was a pretty serious business to me.

We conversed some more. He pushed the subject in a slightly different direction, "So what do you think? Can me and you realistically go anywhere?"

I knew what he meant. He was wondering if he had a future together. And call me crazy but I felt like this conversation could turn good or disastrous in a split second. I did not know what to expect out of Mr J - this could be his way of severing his emotional ties with me. I proceeded with caution.

"Well I don't know what you think on the subject but I feel like it will be easier to figure out once we both find out where our careers are going to take us after May."

"Yeah, we should wait to decide."

"So we'll decide later. I mean, I do like you."

"Same, I like you too," he replied.

So nothing was really decided, nothing set in stone. But I feel like... the very fact that he is, at least, concerned about our future, that he is, at least, wondering where we will end up is way better than not asking me the "Can me and you realistically go anywhere?" question at all. It made me feel more secure that I am not the only one here wondering about my possible future with Mr J.

So am I wrong to hope?

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Mr J and the Case of the Ifs, Thens and Maybes

Two days before the start of the winter quarter, I made that excruciating 9 hour drive from Philadelphia back to Cincinnati (hopefully) for the last time ever. I usually make the long drive as opposed to just booking a flight once a year, because my winter break is rather long and I prefer having my car to drive places and not ask my parents to haul my ass everywhere. The latter option just makes me feel like I am 15 all over again.

After seeing most of my Philly friends and visiting most of my old hang out spots in the city, it was pretty hard to say goodbye and drive away, especially knowing that school was about to commence once again. However, despite everything, I was also eager to drive back because Mr J and I made plans to see one another one last time before he went back to law school.

I bitched about the long drive to Mr J via text messages as I was making my way down from Harrisburg to Pittsburgh and through the wilderness of West Virginia to Columbus:

"What a lovely 9 house drive. lol"

He texted me back with, "I'll make it worth your while when you come back ;)"

Ooh baby. I would have lied if I said that text didn't make me put the pedal to the metal and disregard the speed limit for the rest of the trip home. Mr freaking J rocks my world.

Mr J came over around 8 pm that Saturday and we opted out of going out, preferring to have a quiet night in. It was so cozy and fun cuddling up with him on a couch and I couldn't help but think, in the back of my mind, how nice it would be if we were a couple and could do this all the time.

Mr J, meanwhile, was telling me about his plans to transfer law schools over the summer:

"I was thinking about transferring to Cincinnati. How funny would that be."

"Yeah, but I probably won't even be here then," I lamented, "I am kind of looking forwrard to leaving Ohio as soon as I graduate."

"You won't even consider working for any Cincinnati firms at all?" Mr J asked.

I paused. As much as I dislike Cincy and don't want to work for any firms in the area, except for, maybe, one that's not even hiring right now, I enjoyed the idea of being near Mr J. I mean, I've always talked about me rather being single for years and years and waiting for that "right guy" to come along than settling for some average Joe Schmo, but when that right guy did seem to come along, shouldn't I be making a bit of an effort to not move away thousands of miles away from him?

"I don't know. I mean, you never know what's gonna happen. I still have a bit of time to decide, I could possibly consider a firm or two in town if I don't get any other lucrative offers from any other places," I mumbled with uncertainty.

We left the conversation at that, cuddled up in a tight embrace, unresolved in the status of our relationship. Call me crazy but I could see giving up my fun single life and growing old and wrinkly with this guy. Call me insane but I've never had feelings like I have for him for anyone else, not even for previous boyfriends of two years. So the question now becomes... do I consider altering my life plans for this guy (something that I can potentially regret for the rest of my life)? Do I follow my career and leave any potential for a relationship behind? Do I do nothing and wait to see if time apart from each other cools off our feelings for one another?

I am still open to a possibility of dating other people here in Cincinnati, but I would be very suprised if I find anyone, even remotely as awesome as Mr J, here in Ohio or elsewhere. Perhaps the deciding factor would be whether or not Mr J feels the same way about me too.

I just really hate waiting in a limbo.

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