When I drove to St. Louis last weekend to see Mr. J for, perhaps, the last time, a lot of thoughts ran through my head. As I drove through the downtown of Louisville, I cursed myself for even attempting this long distance drive. And then while I drove through the seemingly endless corn fields of Indiana and my butt cheeks became more and more fused with one another, I wondered why I was even trying to make it work. But then as I entered Missouri and finally saw the graceful bend of the famous arch hovering over the St. Louis skyline, I found myself excited and giddy at a mere thought of seeing and hanging out with Mr. J again.
The weekend was, well, just the way I wanted it to go. We went out, stayed in, watched movies, cuddled, spooned and I felt myself perhaps even falling deeper for him than I thought I could ever fall. Which made my drive home all the more devastating, because goodbyes were never my forte.
It's not that there was a goodbye per se. We made a lot of vague promises to each other to attempt to hang out and remain friends. I even said something along the lines of visiting him again before my fall quarter of my final year at graduate school picked back up again. But I think we kind of knew something we did not want to admit. The end - it was like a pink elephant in the air that neither of us wanted to acknowledge.
The drive home was made all that much harder by the sudden failure of my air conditioner and the stifflingly hot summer air loomed above and around me the way my thoughts about my future with Mr. J spread their poison through my brain cells.
Now a week later, it's not getting easier just yet. I was going to stop by a liquor store on my way home from work today to pick up a bottle of wine but decided against it. It is never good to drink with a heavy heart, and my heart's been weighing me down ever since I hugged Mr. J goodbye.
And he's doing well, he's making friends in law school already. And I will be fine too. I just wanted this to last for a little bit longer. And I could have diluted myself into thinking that I could continue a phone/text relationship with the man I love, but the best thing to do is to let go right now. Emotionally, I can't handle hoping that I can, realistically, be with Mr. J. Whether a year from now, or three years from now - we are pursuing very separate career paths. I can't view the outcome of our profession-driven decisions with rose colored glasses on.
But for a brief moment, though, when he kissed me on the forehead right before I drove away to my temporary home in Louisville, I wished I could put it all, all of it, on hold and stop the time just to be with him. Even if for just an hour longer.