Goodbye for Good

So after the New Guy's several attempts to flirt with me via instant messages and texts (how romantic, right?), sending me a b-day card and a CD he made for me I had to tell him that I wasn't interested.

Especially after he sent this to me:

"I am sooo attracted to you. Probably more than I should be, at this point."

It's funny. When I don't reciprocate someone's feelings of affection I almost take it too close to heart myself. I feel like I should be obliged to return affection because, you know, they put themselves out there and they open up to you. And they're human beings and their feelings get hurt. But, at the same time, I have to take care of myself first. I can't court to other's people's feelings and well-being all the time. Sometimes I can be selfish and self-centered. But that only makes me human. I've faced rejection before, sometimes I'm the one who has to do the rejecting. It just... doesn't feel good.

I have been talking to a boy from the past who somewhat resurfaced in my life recently. I hung out with him a few times when I was dating my very first boyfriend way way WAY back in the day and he was just an acquaintance of mine, a popular boy who had a girlfriend with a model body, perfect hair and laughter. A popular boy who never looked at me, a painfully-skinny, artsy social reject. Why would he? He was too preoccupied with her.

He found me on an online social networking site a few weeks ago. You know, one of those type of deals. He said he remembered me from back in the day and I couldn't help but feel flattered that I was memorable enough to him.

So, damn! Not that he was ever lacking in the looks department, but the past seven years have been VERY good to him. He's smashingly handsome. He turned his life around, from a seventeen year old stoner to a twenty four year old sexy-as-all-hell law school student with a SMOKING body. He's perfect-o in every damn way and he is completely smitten by me as well. I mean, when you hear the words like "gorgeous", "beautiful", "amazing" coming out of that boy's mouth in reference to you, you can't help but melt like butter and keep the river of compliments flowing by telling him that there are simply no men that even compare to him in all of Cincinnati.

The catch is (of course, there's always a catch), Law School Guy now lives in Portland. Portland, Oregon. That's about a day's drive from Cincinnati. Of course. Just my luck.

So let's see, I'm not naive. I know he flirts with other women, I know I'm not the only one he pays compliments to, so I am, by no means, planning our wedding in my head. I know that unless I relocate to Portland, or he decides to leave that city in favor of establishing a home base in the 'Nati (why the eff would he ever want to though?), we will not have a future together.

It's flattering, though, when men from the past are pleasantly surprised when they see the "new" me. Yeah, on many levels, it's all so incredibly superficial. But I got made fun of so much in grade school and high school, because I was ugly, skinny, awkward and quiet. And this boy never said anything bad about me, though I'm sure, he didn't necessarily have crazy sex dreams about me either back in the day. But the boy was nice, and that's all I ever wanted from everyone, including boys, and some stuck-up classmates.

Now that we're all grown up and this guy is this smart, sexy individual, and I'm here doing things with my life and taking off in many aspects of my professional career yet keep getting involved with these bland, dead-end guys. It's good to know that, no, I'm not too picky. And a guy like Law School Guy is worth waiting for, because I'll be damned if I settle for someone like the New Guy, even if he he is incredibly nice and sweet, even if he does make me CD compilations of my favorite songs. He will make some girl happy one day. That girl won't be me.

And who knows, maybe someday Law School Guy and I will cross our paths and we will be in a closer proximity to each other. But for now, I am content with unabashedly flirting with him, and keeping the butterflies in my stomach in check.