Saturday, July 23, 2011

My Heart Full of Deceit

I'm being a bad fucking person these days. And excuse the following, profanity-peppered post, but this is what I do when I'm in distress. I curse.

Funny thing is, I wrote this whole long post that I am about to rewrite from memory earlier today and when I clicked "Publish Post", the whole thing got erased. It's like even this blog doesn't want to be associated with my insanity.

But I need to get this off my chest, otherwise, I feel like I'm going to lose my marbles for good.

It's just that.. I've always followed rules when it came to dating. Not even rules, but more like guidelines. Never fall for two people at the same time, never date one guy right after another, don't do anything but kiss on the first three dates, be upfront and honest, etc etc. But apparently, the fucking rules are out of the window on this little island or, at least, the rules no longer apply.

How was I supposed to know, when I met The Banker for our first date at the alley bar, that I'd actually start falling for him?

Regardless of what I expected or didn't expect, I should have told Mr J that I needed space and time to cool things with him and that I wanted to date other people. But I'm a fucking coward because here I am, three dates deep with The Banker and having him - this seemingly-wonderful, sexy, funny, smart as hell man - telling me that I am a girl like no other, and I still haven't told Mr J about any of the high-jinks I've been up to.

Why haven't I been upfront up to this point? Why am I still not upfront even as this sting of guilt is beginning to weigh down on my conscience more and more with every passing day?

I know why. Because Mr J has been less than pleasant with his refusal to tell me that he misses me because "it's no use to talk about emotions while we are half the world apart". Because his incessant fear/controlling behaviour over what I am doing and am I "hooking up" with people has reached a boiling point way before I even met The Banker.

I know why. Because I am selfishly looking out for MY best interest... Because I am still not sure if The Banker is for real and all of his wining and dining has been happening because he is genuinely smitten by me or if he is just waiting to sleep with me and be done with it.

I mean, like yesterday, I was sitting in this five-star Mario Batali restaurant, and as cultured, sophisticated and classy as I consider myself to be, I felt like the whole experience was so beyond and out of my league. My legs were nervously shaking as I was picking my $40 "first course" and hesitating which $70 "second course" I wanted to order, all the while sipping on $200 wine. And there he was, across the table from me, with a million-dollar smile and the most beautiful deep hazel eyes I had ever seen. It was so out of my league but it was more than perfect.

This man, I don't care how rich he is, cannot be just doing all of this just because he is smitten. If he's smitten. I don't care how attractive he thinks I am, I'm sure he could buy anything and anyone if he wanted, so why me? Is he trying to buy me, which would be absolutely vomit-inducing in my book? Or is he so fascinated with my boring chitter-chatter about architecture and construction documents that I blabbered on and on about during our dinner? Fucking yawn.

With all of this out of the way, I have no excuse to keep leading Mr J and to lie to The Banker. I don't care whether the latter is an international playboy or a truly one-in-a-million absolutely genuine, incredible guy that he seems to be.

I just can't seem to bring myself to tell Mr J the truth. We've been on and off and doing this hamster wheel game for 2.5 years now and there is no end in sight, that is unless I put an end to it now. But I loved or love or something.... him and a part of me knows that it is way too soon to jump from one man to another.

I sicken myself thinking than only 45 days ago I was helping Mr J with his web site, making plans with him to come visit me for Christmas when I fly home from Singapore. Only 45 days ago I was so, so, so into loving him even though the word love was never said once.

But another part of me wants, wants, WANTS what another man seems to now be so willingly wanting to bring to the table. It wants what I couldn't ever get with Mr J. Affection, companionship, proximity. And in order to have this from The Banker, I have to move on from Mr J.

This is a fucked up mess and I don't see a clean way out. No matter what I do from now on, I will be a cold-hearted bitch in someone's eyes.


suicide_blond said...

you say cold hearted its a bad thing..;-)

Anonymous said...

If you were a man you wouldn't even be thinking about this. Think like Mr. J. Do you honestly think he would tell you if he was seeing someone else? If you think he would, then go ahead and feel guilty. If not, I wouldn't even worry about it.

Pam the Realtor said...

You went half way across the world to get a change in your life and try new things. Why wouldn't you try a new man too? I think if things were going to work out with J it probably already would have. JMO, but it's time to move on and enjoy the banker without beating yourself up.