Torn Between Two

When I was out with Mr H last night, Mr J texted me several times. I ignored it.
He called me several times around 2am. I ignored it.
He texted me more but I was too preoccupied with Mr H. So I ignored it.

And then in my inbox this morning, I saw this:
"looks like you messed things up last night. if there is one thing i do not take from anyone is to be out right ignored, and lied to. the last thing you texted me was that ur at a bar...you've answered your phone at a bar when ive called before, let alone text me...and then you went on to ignore me further by not texting me back when you "got home" which is why i finding the fact you went home alone highly doubtful. So I'm sure you are seeing someone or at least you did last night...it was very inconsiderate of you to not as much as text me back when it was clear that i was upset by your ignoring me. If you really do "like" me, it's gonna take one hell of an explanation to get me to understand, as of not i could care less if we talk again, from how you ignored me last night...it was beyond rude."

He, of course, is not my boyfriend so the jealousy issues need to be dealt with, on his personal time. I, however, am being deceitful in not telling him about Mr H. So what, right? I don't owe him anything... but I do, however, feel like a shady person for not revealing the truth and letting it be known, once and for all, that I just might be moving on.

I could tell Mr J the truth about Mr H. That would, without a doubt, put an end to anything I've had with Mr J. My dilemma is that the romance with Mr H is still so brand new and I don't know nearly enough about him to know if he really is who he says he is and I still miss Mr J so much and we share so much history.... In the end, depending on a decision I make, I might just end up alone.

But I guess I can't have my cake and eat it too, so I need to make that decision, even if it means losing Mr J in the end.

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A New Chapter?

An unprecedented turn of events about two weeks ago put me in quite a predicament. You see, it was a Friday night and I was rocking a new little black dress with my fabulous gay friends at a local hotspot. Running into another friend of mine wasn't a part of my plans that night, nor was meeting his friend who just happened to be a total hottie.

I was surprised as to how drawn I was to this guy within seconds of being introduced to him, but I decided not to make it known and just let the attraction slide off my shoulders. Sometimes, however, things don't turn out the way you plan them to. The hottie and I ended up talking for the better part of the night and bonding over our mutual love for Photoshop, as we both use it regularly in our lines of work. Parting on strictly friendly terms the night ended with me driving home wondering why in the world I didn't man up and ask him for his number.

"Oh well... whatever happens happens," was my reasoning. Even though deep inside I felt a sting of disappointment. I was tired of Mr J's wishy washy behavior, his unreasonable jealousy outbursts whenever I went out with my friends, and his lack of willingness to make a commitment to me. Aside from our occasional phone conversations, I felt that our relationship was not progressing anywhere. Feeling at a complete stand still, I made multiple attempts to move on over the last few weeks, and now that I had a reason to move on (i.e. a new interest), I couldn't get the nerve to make a move.

The next day I, unsuccessfully, tried to search for my new crush on Facebook. My attempts were futile as I found hundreds of people with his first name and, alas, I didn't know much more about him than that to modify my search to more specific parameters. Disillusioned, I went back to doing school work, trying to occupy my mind with something other than the haunting ridiculously sexy smile of a ridiculously sexy guy from the previous night.

An hour into my work, my Blackberry lit up with a notification message saying that I received a friend request on Facebook. Wait... it can't possibly be... But it's just too good to be true... I held my breath as I signed on to Facebook... Oh. My. God.

It was HIM!
(Let's call him Mr H from now on)

It felt like a total movie moment. He, somehow, found me on Facebook. Was he attracted to me to? Was I over-analyzing the situation and was he just trying to be friends?

I immediately sent him a message. Unassumingly, yet with a hint of flirtation, I told him that I was impressed with his ability to find people on Facebook. He replied back within minutes and before I knew it, we began conversing back and forth.

Fast forward to today - it's been two weeks since our initial meeting and we'd already gone out on three amazing dates. I was feeling guilty at first as I knew that this guy could potentially replace Mr J in the near future but, little by little, I also began to discover that Mr H was able to deliver all those things that Mr J was too reluctant to.

I am not saying that I am falling for Mr H just yet... but all I am saying is that I am definitely moving on and I am finally excited about a possible future.

A future WITHOUT Mr J.

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Nice Try, Though.

School started up again as feverishly and mercilessly as if I had never even taken an academia-prescribed 6 month internship hiatus. Spring and Summer months flew by as they always do, and as the leaves begin to change colors and the mornings are getting a little cooler and crisper, I find myself back in the whirlwind of administrative tasks, research, reading and all the hoopla that is involved with a last year of graduate school.

I did have some time to go on a date though last week. It was a good decision and certainly not a bad experience overall. In fact, the verdict is still out on this one, because the guy... there is absolutely nothing wrong with him, he seems to be pretty into me, he is quite intelligent. Oh and he drove two hours for our date - that's gotta count for something!

It's all fine and dandy except for one and only irreversible fact - he is not, nor ever will be, Mr J. And for that matter, no one else will be, and for that matter only, I still think that I need to wait and see where things progress with Mr J this year. After all, I am not the one to believe in fate and predestination, but something about the idea of being with Mr J... something about it feels so incredibly right.

While away at school, he managed to get his laptop stolen last week. A tragic situation at its face value, it seemed to have brought us closer together. I was the first person he called when he found out that his laptop was no longer in the spot where he left it at the library. I was the one he consulted about buying a new laptop (poor thing is relying on me for technological advice - might not be the best idea in the world!). And I was the one to comfort him through the entire agony of losing an incredibly valuable thing.

Am I happy his laptop got stolen? Of course not. But I am happy that he thought about consulting me; I am happy that immediately, in a state of despair and panic, he knew that I would have his back, that I would help him out in whatever way I could. And I did, of course.

Because despite all of the attempts of mine to not put all of the eggs in one basket and "play the field", I still freaking love this guy more than any words can ever describe.

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