Thursday, September 10, 2009

So Am I Completely in the Wrong Here?

I am a very rational person with rare outbursts of completely unruly passion that I allow to seep through the pores of my skin only once in a blue moon. I am the one who does not easily give into temptation, I am the one who, even while drunk, can be an excellent cock blocker for my friends, much to the chagrin of the creepy men who tend to take advantage of drunk girls at bars. I am the voice of reason - the one who tells my best friend not to hook up with a married seductress he works with, no matter how much she tells him that the flame of passion is long gone from her marriage.

With Mr. January, I decided to take the opposite route. I took a step toward getting a feel for what it would be like to emotionally give myself to someone. I took a chance on my unconditional falling in love, or rather, unconditional love took a chance on me. And, as the story goes, the harder you fall in love, the harder it is to get yourself out of a grave you dug with your own shovel.

I asked Mr. January last night if he'd be up for me visiting him this weekend and he replied with, "I would love that but I don't think that's such a good idea."

And I went, "Well I really want to see you even though we might not see each other again for a while."

And he hesitated. Even through the text messages, I sensed him putting his guard up. And for very brief but very crucial fine minutes thereafter, I tried my best to seduce him with promises and reminders of how much fun we have every time we see each other. And he said, "Well,I am not saying no. I will let you know tomorrow, for sure. I will assess how much work I will have this weekend and get back to you. " And blah blah blah, and I know he will text me tomorrow with an apology and a list of excuses. And I know why he is making those excuses. I know where he is coming from and I simply don't care, though I am already feeling the premature sadness creeping on. I want him to say, "Come over" and deal with consequences later, but I know that message will never come.

I know, I texted him in a moment of incredible weakness. My heart was feeling fragile and restless and I was longing for companionship. He was the one I thought of in this fragment of weakness, he is the one I always think about and I can't bare the thought of thinking about him being with someone else. Someone other than me. I wanted to see him before I moved back to school. I wanted to keep our memories of each other as fresh as possible.

Work and career always came first for me, but with Mr. J, my world was turned upside down the minute he walked into my life. This is what makes it so hard to passively watch him drift out of it, especially knowing that distance is the only thing making my love for him, not only unbearable, but painful.

And now, I am so missing our passionate drunk and sober texts we'd send each other all the time. I am missing his eyes. I am missing the way he judged people and the way he argued about politics. I am missing absolutely everything about him.

Can we all go through life taking care of our finances before we take care of our hearts? I might sound like Carrie Bradshaw right now, and in a way, I feel like her, as I am trying to pour my emotions and confusions onto my glossy laptop screen (sans a burning cigarette in my hand). But I can't help but wonder if I am viewing my summer romance with incredibly rose colored glasses or if Mr. J truly has a truly legitimate point. Maybe love can't conquer all, after all.


P said...

I would put love first myself but having just been dumped by someone for reasons I can only assume are to do with his career, I do understand that some people think differently from me. That being said, my "career" such as it is, isn't very important to me...

Your story makes me sad though. I was rooting for you and Mr J.

Penny Lane said...

This post reminds me of a similar situation I was in last summer with my summer romance. Though I was actually in town when I asked him if he'd hang out with me on my last night and go with me to a show I had tickets to, he said that he enjoyed spending time with me that week, but that he didn't think it was a good idea. I felt foolish for putting myself out there, and nothing more ever came of it. We don't even talk now.

As many times as I've been hurt and rejected, I always think that being honest and putting yourself out there is the brave and right thing to do. Even when I've done that and it's come back to bite me, I'm still glad I was strong enough to give love a shot.

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