Seeing Other People

So I don't know if it's very ethical of me, but I've decided, again, that it might be beneficial for my well being to go on a date, of sorts, on Thursday with a gentleman I met... well.... online.

I've been on a date with a guy I met online before and it turned out to be all sorts of disastrous. However, with that being said, there is a new guy in the picture that I've been very casually talking to for weeks. In fact, to my own embarrassment, I've declined going on several dates with him so far, mostly because internet dating was something that I've decided to swear off for good. And, of course, because I was so head over heels in love with Mr. J that I couldn't even fathom seeing other people. Of course, distance and the lack of physical contact tends to coll things off somewhat over time.

This new guy has been persistent enough, however, that I agreed to have a brief phone conversation with him today to, sort of, assess the state of things and evaluate whether or not I would want to meet him at all. I mean, talk about brutal honesty - I laid it all out on the table and told him like it is.

"I really fell in love over the summer and I am reluctant in meeting new prospects.. especially since I will be starting graduate school back up again and all."

He said that he would like to meet me, nonetheless. And upon our brief phone conversation (which, in the end, turned out to be more like two hours long), I must say that I am more than intrigued in meeting this guy in person.

I hate the stigma of internet dating. I should be able to find a guy on my own. At a bar or something. And I hate that I am trying desperately to get over Mr. J, but the truth is, I have this feeling that he is trying to get over me as well, on his own. And another thing is... I really think that waiting until Christmas to see him again is putting an unnecessary strain on me. Why should I be putting a proverbial nun habit on me and faithfully wait for Mr. J to return home when I can still be, for all intents and purposes, be shopping around? It's not like I am trying to sleep with random guys or anything.

The truth is, Mr. J is still in my heart, but, as long as there is no official verbal commitment to exclusivity between us, I do not feel secure with waiting for him with open arms. If anything, this date with an online prospect can only verify that Mr. J is the one for me.

On the other hand, it could help me move on, just as well. Let's see what happens.

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Epilogue?

So as I suspected, he said today that getting together over the weekend "isn't such a good idea". He said that he misses me and that last weekend he got jealous of a guy friend I was talking to him about. He said he isn't a jealous person so the pinch of jealousy caught him by surprise and that made him realize that he might have some deep(er) feelings for me.

He said that he likes me and he is sad that we cannot date right now. He said that seeing me now and knowing that we won't see each other for a long time would be hard on him. He said he wants to see me during our Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks, and though Christmas right now it seems like forever and a day from now, I desperately want to wait for him to visit me nevertheless.

I might be stupid and he might lose interest in me by then. But hey, you can't blame a girl for trying, right?

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So Am I Completely in the Wrong Here?

I am a very rational person with rare outbursts of completely unruly passion that I allow to seep through the pores of my skin only once in a blue moon. I am the one who does not easily give into temptation, I am the one who, even while drunk, can be an excellent cock blocker for my friends, much to the chagrin of the creepy men who tend to take advantage of drunk girls at bars. I am the voice of reason - the one who tells my best friend not to hook up with a married seductress he works with, no matter how much she tells him that the flame of passion is long gone from her marriage.

With Mr. January, I decided to take the opposite route. I took a step toward getting a feel for what it would be like to emotionally give myself to someone. I took a chance on my unconditional falling in love, or rather, unconditional love took a chance on me. And, as the story goes, the harder you fall in love, the harder it is to get yourself out of a grave you dug with your own shovel.

I asked Mr. January last night if he'd be up for me visiting him this weekend and he replied with, "I would love that but I don't think that's such a good idea."

And I went, "Well I really want to see you even though we might not see each other again for a while."

And he hesitated. Even through the text messages, I sensed him putting his guard up. And for very brief but very crucial fine minutes thereafter, I tried my best to seduce him with promises and reminders of how much fun we have every time we see each other. And he said, "Well,I am not saying no. I will let you know tomorrow, for sure. I will assess how much work I will have this weekend and get back to you. " And blah blah blah, and I know he will text me tomorrow with an apology and a list of excuses. And I know why he is making those excuses. I know where he is coming from and I simply don't care, though I am already feeling the premature sadness creeping on. I want him to say, "Come over" and deal with consequences later, but I know that message will never come.

I know, I texted him in a moment of incredible weakness. My heart was feeling fragile and restless and I was longing for companionship. He was the one I thought of in this fragment of weakness, he is the one I always think about and I can't bare the thought of thinking about him being with someone else. Someone other than me. I wanted to see him before I moved back to school. I wanted to keep our memories of each other as fresh as possible.

Work and career always came first for me, but with Mr. J, my world was turned upside down the minute he walked into my life. This is what makes it so hard to passively watch him drift out of it, especially knowing that distance is the only thing making my love for him, not only unbearable, but painful.

And now, I am so missing our passionate drunk and sober texts we'd send each other all the time. I am missing his eyes. I am missing the way he judged people and the way he argued about politics. I am missing absolutely everything about him.

Can we all go through life taking care of our finances before we take care of our hearts? I might sound like Carrie Bradshaw right now, and in a way, I feel like her, as I am trying to pour my emotions and confusions onto my glossy laptop screen (sans a burning cigarette in my hand). But I can't help but wonder if I am viewing my summer romance with incredibly rose colored glasses or if Mr. J truly has a truly legitimate point. Maybe love can't conquer all, after all.

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