Sunday, April 19, 2009

The Boy and The Indecisions...

Sometimes I think I am one of the most sane, normal and level-headed people on the face of this planet. Sure, I've got my moments of insanity that I am not proud of - but when I think of them in comparison to the insane fits of other people that I know, they pale in their quantity and magnitude.

However, I've got my flaws (my many flaws) and the one that I am currently having an issue with are my anxieties. As I can think of it right now, I can subdivide these anxieties into three categories - the good, the bad and the ugly.

The Good - I like to work, keep busy. I like to continuously better myself and I get that itch whenever I feel like I am being lazy. I cannot sit still for prolonged periods of time unless I am feeling absolutely exhausted or accomplished after a long day of work. I still know how to relax and, God knows, I know how to have fun, but in my down time - from work and from play - I work on my side projects, my art, my part-time job search, my writing, my learning, my reading. I like being busy and I wouldn't change a thing and I wouldn't want to stop being anxious because that will ultimately prevent me from being at the top of my game.

The Bad - I cannot live without the internet. I need to stay connected, constantly, excessively, all the time, without a break. When I was in the process of moving from Philadelphia to Cincinnati, from Cincinnati to Louisville, there were periods of time - days, in some cases - where internet was not available to me. I found myself, at different times of the day, anxiously thinking about my email inbox, about my facebook account, about my online bank statements, about my paypal earnings. I had that unsettled feeling, the urge if you will, to drive out of my way to a library or a friend's house just for five minutes to check on my online identities - to make sure everything in the web world was up to date. Kind of like a drug, I felt my anxiety slowly seep out of my body every time I got my hands on a good old keyboard and opened that Firefox.

How do I feel about this? A little alarmed - I know that today, everyone is wired, connected, networked-out. PDAs, Blackberries, IPhones, laptops, tweeters, facebooks, myspaces, linked-ins, etc etc - we all have at least one of these things/applications/accounts and we all probably put a lot of importance and pride into staying in touch and connecting to friends and coworkers. The anxiety, though, is a sign of something deeper for me - why can't I keep cool during those down times when I am left "out of the loop" of technology?

The Ugly - This one worries me the most. Let's dissect, shall we?

I am so career-driven that, in many ways, I can be like a guy. Cold-hearted, determined, business-oriented. As far as this characteristic translates itself into my love life, I can go from dating one guy to another one without feeling much of a heartbreak. Since my last super serious relationship almost three years ago, and with the heartbreak of 2007 as I like to call it, I have taken a different stance on dating, love and trust. I date a lot, I trust a little, and I don't love. This has been my crutch and my folly at the same time, but I have not seen this as a problem until recently. By recently, I mean yesterday.

The Bar Owner and I spent an entire day together yesterday. We had a lovely lunch in the afternoon, and then we went to the waterfront to meet up with his friends to pre-game before the Thunder Over Louisville - the big fireworks extravaganza that occurs every year, a week before the Derby. We sipped on some beer and we watched the beautiful skies darken and explode with a myriad of colors and lights. It was beautiful and my boy was so lovely to me the entire night. After the fireworks, we went out dancing to a night club, and around 3am I began to notice him getting progressively tipsier and tipsier.

I had to hold his hand on the way to my apartment because he was pretty inebriated at that point. Luckily, he was not sloppily drunk, but he was drunk enough to tell me all sorts of things about me being hot, and pretty and yadda yadda. You know, the standard stuff that elevates a girl's ego and makes her melt just a little.

We laid on my couch for a while watching the AVN Awards (it's like the Grammys in porn. Romantic, right?) and he held me ever so nicely. And he said something to me, something I don't think he remembers saying but something that sounded very sincere:

"You don't even know how much I like you. You... I just like you so much."

What he said was clumsy and simple, but it sounded so... genuine. I felt it resonate in my heart. His honesty was the sexiest part of his revelation, by far.

On to the disturbing part - my anxiety issue. This morning I woke up way before him and fixed myself a quick breakfast and did a little work. All the while, my awareness of the fact that this guy was sleeping in my bedroom, under my covers, was hovering above me like a menacing cloud. I wondered to myself why I felt that way - I felt like I've spent too much time with him and it was time for him to leave. Now. It was this weird anxiety... mixed with butterflies and infatuation... but still an anxiety.

When he woke up, we watched a movie, during which I tried to casually find out just what time exactly he was planning on going home:

"I think I am going to take a nap very soon, I feel so tired. What about you? What are you up to for the rest of the day?" I asked.

"Yeah, come to think of it, I wouldn't mind taking a nap with you for an hour or two. Let's do that and then go grab dinner when we wake up," he responded.

My anxious, panicky feeling settled in completely with his response. He was planning on TAKING A NAP AND THEN GOING TO DINNER WITH ME?!?! Was he ever going to leave?!

"Come to think of it... let's skip nap. I am soooo hungry right now," I blurted out, "Do you... wanna go grab a burger, like, right now?"

The Bar Owner agreed and the rest of the day went wonderfully. You know, the dinner, the food, the conversation were great. I keep finding out that this guy and I have so much in common and, even more flattering, I see this respect in his eyes when he looks at me. I see that he admires me for who I am, how I conduct myself, my ambitions.

But I still. wanted. him. to. go. home. My anxiety kept telling me that I just needed to go home and be alone, by myself, that I needed to go and do the "me" things I like doing so much.

I know that a part of this stress and anxiety is that I really like this guy and that I haven't been in a relationship in a while. But God, is it going to prevent me from getting close to someone, or dating someone, or moving in and marrying them? If I need so much 'me' time, will I ever actually be able to handle a relationship?

The answer is unknown. But I guess the good piece of news in the midst of this whirlpool of emotions is that I, again, can't wait to see the Bar Owner again. While in Vegas this week, I will certainty be thinking of him a lot. For now, I will take him one day at a time and I will do my best to minimize my intimacy-phobia before it ruins a potentially-amazing relationship.


Paula said...

I can be very like that sometimes - just wanting someone to get the hell out of my space, despite really liking them. It doesn't make you a bad person. I think it's just a matter of wanting your own space.

Maybe next time you see him tell him in advance you have plans the next day so he knows he can't hang around? :)

Fluffycat said...

Yeah, I think that sometimes when you get too close to someone too fast, it's totally normal to feel like you need a little space or a little step back from them. Even if you really like them and want to be with them. Nothing wrong with how you feel. And I think you should feel free to either say, okay, gotta do some stuff around the house, see ya, or tell him straight out how you feel.

kpn2010 said...

自助洗衣 洗衣店 投幣式洗衣機 洗衣設備 加盟創業 廠房 工廠 農地 土地買賣 農地買賣 廠房出租 廠房出售 工業用地 廠辦 租廠房 五金百貨大賣場 五金工具 電動工具 吸塵器 diy 營造公司 豪宅設計 別墅設計 建築設計 舊屋翻新 農舍 住宅設計 綠建築 蓋房子 自地自建 品牌行銷 CIS 設計公司 廣告設計 平面設計 桃園當鋪15 北區當鋪 新娘秘書 月子餐 滷味 月子餐外送 月子餐食譜 結婚金飾 鑽石婚戒 塑膠袋 塑膠袋批發 塑膠袋工廠 塑膠袋 塑膠袋批發 飛梭雷射 幼兒美語 兒童美語 桃園托兒所 桃園安親班 桃園幼稚園

kpn2010 said...

眼科 眼睛雷射 無刀雷射 雷射近視 台北辦公室 安泰登峰 商用不動產 廠辦 外遇 徵信 徵信社 桃園房屋仲介 桃園房屋買賣 104人力銀行 104求職人力銀行 1111求職人力銀行 找工作 求職 中古車 led招牌 招牌 招牌製作 法拍屋 油漆工 油漆工程 油漆粉刷 桃園土地 桃園房屋 桃園房屋仲介 桃園房屋買賣 桃園房屋網 桃園房屋 桃園房屋仲介 ISO9001認證 射出成形 無塵室射出 塑膠製成品 1塑膠模具設計 精密射出 模具開發 膠框 導光板 縫衣機塑件 外遇 徵信 展場設計 展覽設計 會場設計 104法拍網 大台北法拍屋 台北法拍屋 房屋仲介 房屋買賣 板橋法拍屋 法拍 法拍屋 法拍屋查詢系統 信義房屋 婦產科診所 印刷 上海旅遊

kpn2010 said...

辦公室 辦公室出租 律師 seo 關鍵字 關鍵字行銷 關鍵字 關鍵字行銷 汽車美容 food processing mixers frying machine patty machine vegetable machine 工廠風水 命理風水 居家風水 風水 風水地理 風水擺設 勘輿 陽宅 陽宅風水 辦公室風水 印刷服務 近視 眼科 泰國 近視雷射 眼科 印度 西班牙 京都 東京 法國 美國 英國 埃及 義大利 2歐洲 casino gaming machine gaming machine manufacturer slot game machine slot machine cabinet slot machine manufacturer 婚紗照 婚紗攝影 婚禮 結婚 禮服 seo

kpn2010 said...

104求職人力銀行 104人力銀行 104求職人力銀行 1111人力銀行 31111人力銀行求職 統一發票9 10月 中古車 中古車買賣 台北人力銀行 特色餐廳 景觀餐廳 親子餐廳 黃金價格查詢 金價查詢 黃金 黃金買賣 黃金價格查詢 今日金價 金價查詢 金價 黃金價格 google關鍵字廣告 網路行銷 關鍵字 關鍵字行銷 關鍵字廣告 壁癌 十分瀑布 台北民宿 台北旅遊網 平溪 花園餐廳 景觀餐廳 渡假村 螢火蟲 薰衣草花園 鐵道之旅 房屋貸款 信用貸款 貸款 外遇 徵信 徵信社 搬家公司 台北搬家公司 seo seo seo 網路行銷 網路行銷 線上客服 環保袋 sum中古車 中古車 中古車買賣 金價 二手車

kpn2010 said...

桃園房屋買賣 桃園房屋買賣 桃園房屋仲介 3D飛梭雷射 光纖美白除毛 4肉毒桿菌除皺 淨膚雷射 微晶瓷 網站設計 班服 團體服創意 T恤 T恤 團體服 POLO衫 圍裙 熱水器 三久 三久太陽能 太陽能 太陽能熱水器 三久 三久 三久太陽能 三久太陽能 太陽能 太陽能 太陽能熱水器 太陽能熱水器 省電熱水器 節能減碳 電熱水器 熱水器 衛浴設備 櫻花牌熱水器 包子 四神湯 宅配美食 肉粽 宜蘭民宿 埋線 針灸減肥 黃體不足 內分泌失調 團體服 團體服 肉毒桿菌 肉毒桿菌 禿頭 玻尿酸 美白 減肥 痘疤 雷射溶脂 雷射溶脂 電波拉皮 電波拉皮 皺紋

kpn2010 said...

健身中心 健身房 健身 Spa會館 美容spa 電波拉皮 飛梭雷射 淨膚雷射 植髮 微晶瓷 5雷射溶脂 雷射溶脂 醫學美容診所 外遇 徵信 徵信社 Biodegradable plastic Disposable plastic cups Disposable plastic cups Disposable products ECO products PLA Plastic Drinking Cups polylactic acid 包通 馬桶不通 清水溝 通水管 通馬桶 水管不通 包通 抽水肥 洗水塔 馬桶 馬桶不通 清水溝 通水管 通馬桶 抽化糞池 木工裝潢 居家裝潢 房屋裝潢室內裝潢 > 室內裝潢設計 裝潢 裝潢工程 裝潢施工 裝潢設計 舊屋翻新 室內設計 室內設計公司 室內裝潢設計 裝潢設計 水餃