Sunday, April 19, 2009

The Boy and The Indecisions...


Sometimes I think I am one of the most sane, normal and level-headed people on the face of this planet. Sure, I've got my moments of insanity that I am not proud of - but when I think of them in comparison to the insane fits of other people that I know, they pale in their quantity and magnitude.

However, I've got my flaws (my many flaws) and the one that I am currently having an issue with are my anxieties. As I can think of it right now, I can subdivide these anxieties into three categories - the good, the bad and the ugly.

The Good - I like to work, keep busy. I like to continuously better myself and I get that itch whenever I feel like I am being lazy. I cannot sit still for prolonged periods of time unless I am feeling absolutely exhausted or accomplished after a long day of work. I still know how to relax and, God knows, I know how to have fun, but in my down time - from work and from play - I work on my side projects, my art, my part-time job search, my writing, my learning, my reading. I like being busy and I wouldn't change a thing and I wouldn't want to stop being anxious because that will ultimately prevent me from being at the top of my game.

The Bad - I cannot live without the internet. I need to stay connected, constantly, excessively, all the time, without a break. When I was in the process of moving from Philadelphia to Cincinnati, from Cincinnati to Louisville, there were periods of time - days, in some cases - where internet was not available to me. I found myself, at different times of the day, anxiously thinking about my email inbox, about my facebook account, about my online bank statements, about my paypal earnings. I had that unsettled feeling, the urge if you will, to drive out of my way to a library or a friend's house just for five minutes to check on my online identities - to make sure everything in the web world was up to date. Kind of like a drug, I felt my anxiety slowly seep out of my body every time I got my hands on a good old keyboard and opened that Firefox.

How do I feel about this? A little alarmed - I know that today, everyone is wired, connected, networked-out. PDAs, Blackberries, IPhones, laptops, tweeters, facebooks, myspaces, linked-ins, etc etc - we all have at least one of these things/applications/accounts and we all probably put a lot of importance and pride into staying in touch and connecting to friends and coworkers. The anxiety, though, is a sign of something deeper for me - why can't I keep cool during those down times when I am left "out of the loop" of technology?

The Ugly - This one worries me the most. Let's dissect, shall we?

I am so career-driven that, in many ways, I can be like a guy. Cold-hearted, determined, business-oriented. As far as this characteristic translates itself into my love life, I can go from dating one guy to another one without feeling much of a heartbreak. Since my last super serious relationship almost three years ago, and with the heartbreak of 2007 as I like to call it, I have taken a different stance on dating, love and trust. I date a lot, I trust a little, and I don't love. This has been my crutch and my folly at the same time, but I have not seen this as a problem until recently. By recently, I mean yesterday.

The Bar Owner and I spent an entire day together yesterday. We had a lovely lunch in the afternoon, and then we went to the waterfront to meet up with his friends to pre-game before the Thunder Over Louisville - the big fireworks extravaganza that occurs every year, a week before the Derby. We sipped on some beer and we watched the beautiful skies darken and explode with a myriad of colors and lights. It was beautiful and my boy was so lovely to me the entire night. After the fireworks, we went out dancing to a night club, and around 3am I began to notice him getting progressively tipsier and tipsier.

I had to hold his hand on the way to my apartment because he was pretty inebriated at that point. Luckily, he was not sloppily drunk, but he was drunk enough to tell me all sorts of things about me being hot, and pretty and yadda yadda. You know, the standard stuff that elevates a girl's ego and makes her melt just a little.

We laid on my couch for a while watching the AVN Awards (it's like the Grammys in porn. Romantic, right?) and he held me ever so nicely. And he said something to me, something I don't think he remembers saying but something that sounded very sincere:

"You don't even know how much I like you. You... I just like you so much."

What he said was clumsy and simple, but it sounded so... genuine. I felt it resonate in my heart. His honesty was the sexiest part of his revelation, by far.

On to the disturbing part - my anxiety issue. This morning I woke up way before him and fixed myself a quick breakfast and did a little work. All the while, my awareness of the fact that this guy was sleeping in my bedroom, under my covers, was hovering above me like a menacing cloud. I wondered to myself why I felt that way - I felt like I've spent too much time with him and it was time for him to leave. Now. It was this weird anxiety... mixed with butterflies and infatuation... but still an anxiety.

When he woke up, we watched a movie, during which I tried to casually find out just what time exactly he was planning on going home:

"I think I am going to take a nap very soon, I feel so tired. What about you? What are you up to for the rest of the day?" I asked.

"Yeah, come to think of it, I wouldn't mind taking a nap with you for an hour or two. Let's do that and then go grab dinner when we wake up," he responded.

My anxious, panicky feeling settled in completely with his response. He was planning on TAKING A NAP AND THEN GOING TO DINNER WITH ME?!?! Was he ever going to leave?!

"Come to think of it... let's skip nap. I am soooo hungry right now," I blurted out, "Do you... wanna go grab a burger, like, right now?"

The Bar Owner agreed and the rest of the day went wonderfully. You know, the dinner, the food, the conversation were great. I keep finding out that this guy and I have so much in common and, even more flattering, I see this respect in his eyes when he looks at me. I see that he admires me for who I am, how I conduct myself, my ambitions.

But I still. wanted. him. to. go. home. My anxiety kept telling me that I just needed to go home and be alone, by myself, that I needed to go and do the "me" things I like doing so much.

I know that a part of this stress and anxiety is that I really like this guy and that I haven't been in a relationship in a while. But God, is it going to prevent me from getting close to someone, or dating someone, or moving in and marrying them? If I need so much 'me' time, will I ever actually be able to handle a relationship?

The answer is unknown. But I guess the good piece of news in the midst of this whirlpool of emotions is that I, again, can't wait to see the Bar Owner again. While in Vegas this week, I will certainty be thinking of him a lot. For now, I will take him one day at a time and I will do my best to minimize my intimacy-phobia before it ruins a potentially-amazing relationship.

8 comments:

Paula said...

I can be very like that sometimes - just wanting someone to get the hell out of my space, despite really liking them. It doesn't make you a bad person. I think it's just a matter of wanting your own space.

Maybe next time you see him tell him in advance you have plans the next day so he knows he can't hang around? :)

Fluffycat said...

Yeah, I think that sometimes when you get too close to someone too fast, it's totally normal to feel like you need a little space or a little step back from them. Even if you really like them and want to be with them. Nothing wrong with how you feel. And I think you should feel free to either say, okay, gotta do some stuff around the house, see ya, or tell him straight out how you feel.

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