Saturday, March 21, 2009

Dance of Fire

So much has occurred, some things planned and some things unplanned, over the course of the last month. Firstly, I got a 6-month job in Louisville. Yeah, due to the economic crisis I sort of had to abandon dreams of New York City or LA rather quickly. Not because I couldn't afford apartments there or anything, but simply because all of the firms I applied to replied back with "We regret to inform you that we are not in a position to hire at this time." Great. Louisville it is. I just keep going, slowly but surely, deeper and deeper down South.

Which, to be perfectly clear, I don't mind at all. Nothing really holding me back or prompting me to stay in Cincinnati. Nothing or no one ever did. The guy that I was sort of seeing... both of them actually - the one who didn't take me out of Valentine's Day and the one who did - they're both still okay and I kind of like them both. The one who blew me off, let's call him Mr. Flaky... we still have a really strong friendship bond and I am attracted to him physically like I am attracted to no other. But at the same time there's this laconic feeling about the whole thing with him - I don't really make the effort to see him and the bulk of our communication occurs online.

Despite the lack of enthusiasm on both of our parts, I still sort of think that maybe we still have a potential of being together... in a couple of years or so. He's the type of guy who can hold my interest and keep me guessing without appearing to be completely shady. He's the type of guy who I still want after three months of knowing him, and that is saying a whole lot. Even though I am not a firm believer in fate, this is where I have to put up my hands and leave it up to it, because if, per chance, we're meant to cross our romantic paths in some distant future, this will happen with or without me doing anything about it.

On a slightly more personal note, this week will make exactly one year of me, well... not bumping uglies with anyone. It's probably a big deal for a lot of people, especially those who are in healthy relationships, but for me it's, in many ways, just another week. Do I miss sex? Of course. But can I go for another year without it, if push comes to shove? Yeah, no problem in that department.

I don't know if that makes me weird or simply extremely picky. I saw this documentary where a bunch of people talked about themselves and their "issues" while completely naked in front of the camera. And at first their bodies and imperfections were supremely distracting, but after a while I felt really connected to the rawness of their uncensored emotions. It was like, holy shit, it takes guts to strip down to bare essentials and talk about stuff like love, cancer, abuse.

Well, there was this one woman who was stunningly beautiful - probably in her late thirties. She spoke about how she willingly was staying away from sex and she's been doing that for six years. And her reasoning was that she had a very hard time opening up to anyone and feeling like men were genuinely into her. I guess I kind of feel the same way, where in the beginning of dating I don't really open up and guard my feelings and monitor what I say. And then when some time passes and I do feel like I'm ready to open up, the guys are no longer worthy of the effort - my feelings fade away.

Mr. Flaky makes me act a bit more uncensored about myself. I feel like I can talk to him about sex and what I want and I like that. But then again, with him I have a perfectly casual friendship (that can on occasion be more sexually charged than during other times) so maybe that's exactly why I can open up to him - because I am not putting all of my eggs in one basket. All in all, he's freaking sexy and if fantasizing about him is the most action I get this year, I won't be extremely heart-broken about it. I'd rather wait for a guy who's really worth my time then go on a casual sex rampage amidst some Louisville bars.


mushashii said...

good luck on your new job. I will start with a new job on monday. and i'll be moving to a new town in a month or two... it's really scary but... we gotta do what we gotta do. :)