Dance of Fire

So much has occurred, some things planned and some things unplanned, over the course of the last month. Firstly, I got a 6-month job in Louisville. Yeah, due to the economic crisis I sort of had to abandon dreams of New York City or LA rather quickly. Not because I couldn't afford apartments there or anything, but simply because all of the firms I applied to replied back with "We regret to inform you that we are not in a position to hire at this time." Great. Louisville it is. I just keep going, slowly but surely, deeper and deeper down South.

Which, to be perfectly clear, I don't mind at all. Nothing really holding me back or prompting me to stay in Cincinnati. Nothing or no one ever did. The guy that I was sort of seeing... both of them actually - the one who didn't take me out of Valentine's Day and the one who did - they're both still okay and I kind of like them both. The one who blew me off, let's call him Mr. Flaky... we still have a really strong friendship bond and I am attracted to him physically like I am attracted to no other. But at the same time there's this laconic feeling about the whole thing with him - I don't really make the effort to see him and the bulk of our communication occurs online.

Despite the lack of enthusiasm on both of our parts, I still sort of think that maybe we still have a potential of being together... in a couple of years or so. He's the type of guy who can hold my interest and keep me guessing without appearing to be completely shady. He's the type of guy who I still want after three months of knowing him, and that is saying a whole lot. Even though I am not a firm believer in fate, this is where I have to put up my hands and leave it up to it, because if, per chance, we're meant to cross our romantic paths in some distant future, this will happen with or without me doing anything about it.

On a slightly more personal note, this week will make exactly one year of me, well... not bumping uglies with anyone. It's probably a big deal for a lot of people, especially those who are in healthy relationships, but for me it's, in many ways, just another week. Do I miss sex? Of course. But can I go for another year without it, if push comes to shove? Yeah, no problem in that department.

I don't know if that makes me weird or simply extremely picky. I saw this documentary where a bunch of people talked about themselves and their "issues" while completely naked in front of the camera. And at first their bodies and imperfections were supremely distracting, but after a while I felt really connected to the rawness of their uncensored emotions. It was like, holy shit, it takes guts to strip down to bare essentials and talk about stuff like love, cancer, abuse.

Well, there was this one woman who was stunningly beautiful - probably in her late thirties. She spoke about how she willingly was staying away from sex and she's been doing that for six years. And her reasoning was that she had a very hard time opening up to anyone and feeling like men were genuinely into her. I guess I kind of feel the same way, where in the beginning of dating I don't really open up and guard my feelings and monitor what I say. And then when some time passes and I do feel like I'm ready to open up, the guys are no longer worthy of the effort - my feelings fade away.

Mr. Flaky makes me act a bit more uncensored about myself. I feel like I can talk to him about sex and what I want and I like that. But then again, with him I have a perfectly casual friendship (that can on occasion be more sexually charged than during other times) so maybe that's exactly why I can open up to him - because I am not putting all of my eggs in one basket. All in all, he's freaking sexy and if fantasizing about him is the most action I get this year, I won't be extremely heart-broken about it. I'd rather wait for a guy who's really worth my time then go on a casual sex rampage amidst some Louisville bars.

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Riding the Bullet

In lieu of drinking myself to stupor on Valentine's Day, I took a more pro-active stance on the whole situation and ... went out on a date with a different guy. I met him last weekend at a club when my friend from Philly was visiting me. I never expected him to call me and ask me out for Valentine's date - after all, most guys get freaked out about doing such things as V-day puts much more pressure and significance on an otherwise ordinary day.

Well he asked me out and seeing as my guy #1 was feeling very anti-V-day that day, I decided to take up guy #2 on his offer. I am glad I did - because it was one of the best dates I've had in the past two years. First of all, he paid for everything - and I know it may not seem like much to ask but in this day and age, it is asking for a lot. Second of all, he was INTELLIGENT. We were actually able to have a superb conversation during our dinner and then later on, when we went out for drinks.

From what could have potentially turned out to be a guy-hating, vodka-drinking, food-channel-watching night to a fillet-mignon-and-martini, fabbed-out date in a matter of a couple of hours? A girl's gotta have options and, let's face it, Guy #1 wasn't the only fish in the sea.

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No Time for the Girl

It's V-Day and I don't have a date. No, I don't have a date. The guy who's ambitions and aspirations I liked in the beginning of our "dating" period? Well, it seems now that he is always too busy. Busy to hang out, not convenient to take a study break.

"I hope you don't think I am blowing you off, but it's the timing at this point..."

He says that but I don't believe when people say that anymore. There is always time for the one that you care about enough. There is always an hour or two to spare in a day. I know he likes me, he just likes his work a lot more. I know I like my work too, but the truth is, I kind of miss him and want to spend some time with him. As little time as it may be. Is this too much to ask for?

I was hoping for a low-key dinner followed by a night of cuddling and maybe even his overnight stay at my place. Instead... Instead I've got a bottle of cheap vodka and Bridget Jones's Diary marathon on Bravo.

"I will never get what's so special about Valentine's Day..."

He's right. It's just another day after all.

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The Balance

I'm on an intense internship hunt - that is, I am applying to at least 2 firms a day, and I am determined to work for a firm that I would not only be absolutely thrilled to put on my resume but that I would truly enjoy working for. Big names, big cities - I am looking for the cream of the crop and, despite the horrific economy, I am fairly confident that something awesome will roll around my way.

I don't know if I am being overly optimistic but I think that even in the current job market there are some internships available for talented people. I like to think that I am one of those talents.

The cities I am looking for can be summed up by two words - Not Cincinnati. I am looking for every excuse to get the hell out of here as soon as possible so I am not even considering any firms in Ohio right now. Chicago, New York, Washington D.C., Miami, Houston, and even Nashville are all looking much more attractive than this tragic midwestern town.

I am cautiously optimistic that I will get the job within a reasonable driving range (5-6 hours) from Cincinnati solely for one reason and one reason only - the guy I'm seeing. Of course, my New York and Miami options will take me well out of that driving range but I am, by no means, going to let a guy determine by job options right now.

Our situation is interesting because he is just as driven as me and he is applying to law schools all over the country, so it's not like I will be the one leaving him in the dust. He's also preparing for his LSAT's right now so our communication is very much limited to phone calls and instant messages. But.... I kind of like it that way. I am content in this because I am a career girl and he's a career guy. We are completely honest with each other and we have no expectations. I am not worried, not nervous, I am simply happy.

I am happy that I like him, happy that I can still concentrate on my work. This just might be the perfect balance for my career and love life and I'm not gonna lie, I do wish that I could maintain this balance during my internship, wherever that might take me. But then again, everything is so new with this guy that I still need time to figure out if things are perfect just because they're new or if they are perfect because we are on the same wave length.

I am willing to wait and find out and until then, I might as well go look for more jobs.

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Memento

So I don't know, ladies and gentlemen, I don't know a lot of things about a lot of things. I certainly am no expert in categorizing my own emotions or decoding my urges and desires. I analyze and over analyze many things that I feel are worth saying and sometimes I regret not saying how I feel. What is this all leading up to, you ask? I don't know... or maybe I do and I'm too afraid to say it, even in my blog, under a thin veil of anonymity, I still feel the need to guard myself.

What I CAN say right now is that I think I've met a pretty great guy and a part of me is too afraid that a fiasco from two years ago will repeat itself and I will fall for someone whose affection turns into deception, but a part of me is so ready and willing to accept this feeling for what it is.

Because when I was sitting in my Place and Dwelling class this afternoon, my thoughts unexpectedly turned to him and I, unwillingly, smiled. Because when I was walking to my car in a blistering cold today, I wasn't merely walking, I was floating on air.

So who cares if it's all just an illusion and if it all dissipates with time. Who cares that in two months I might be getting an internship in another city. Who care that this fall he might be moving to another state to go to law school. Who cares that he may not turn out to be everything I want him to be. Right now, at this moment, after two cups of coffee and a looming school-related deadline ahead of me, I take a timeout and think of him. Right now, at this moment, everything is perfect.

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I Get Knocked Down, but I Get Up Again

Sometimes my heart lingers on and on and I can't forget one person, that one guy I had a brief romance with for months, even years. Sometimes it's the complete opposite though, where one week I'm crazy about one person but the next I have my eye on the next guy.

This is not to say that this behavior translates itself into "promiscuity". I am very picky as to who I get intimate with and I have to really get to know a guy first to even get to that stage in a relationship. However, I'm at a different point of my life now than I was, say, a year ago. I say that I can wait as long as it takes for that right guy, and that still holds true. But where a year ago it was really hard for me to even acknowledge that I might have feelings for a guy, right now my heart is very much open to romance.

I've always waited for a fairy tale romance. I've always pictured a guy falling madly in love with me and from day one recognizing that I am the one for him. I've always pictured an old-fashioned way of dating this Prince Charming, where he would pick me up on his white horse, er I mean white Cadillac, take me to a tasty sushi restaurant, followed by some jazz lounge for cocktails, followed by some demure flirting and compliments whispered softly in my ear.

I realize that it probably won't happen that way because deep down there are more things that I want from this guy. Some of those things, surprisingly, go against my better judgment and that makes me wonder if I'm grown up enough and mature enough to handle a relationship.

Just last week I was so swept away by this guy I met in Philly because he was the first guy to treat me just the way I feel I deserve to be treated. Sure, a lot of things and compliments he said to me sounded rehearsed but I knew that I would be leaving town in a short while so I didn't mind that.

This week, and it's too premature to say at this point so I won't go into too much detail, I met someone else who lives in the Cincinnati area. He actually called me last night, while I was at a bar with friends, and I did an emotional cartwheel in my head the minute I saw his number pop up on my phone. I stepped outside to talk to him and we chatted for about 15 minutes. I should have just left it there and waited for him to make the next move, but of course, I didn't.

Thoroughly inebriated, I texted him later on in the night with "It was really nice talking to you :)" He responded promptly with "You too, girl. Are you having a good time?"

I was. And I had enough to drink to continue texting him for the next hour or so. Like, how dumb of me to just lay it all out there and let him know how interested I am in him. While it's true that when I met this guy, I felt an immediate connection with him - the kind of connection that I've only experienced a few times in my life. I was so excited about feeling that way again that I wasn't even worried about letting my guard down so soon. I figured, it's about time. Even if I end up getting hurt, it's about time for me to get hurt again.

Of course, it's a bit disappointing for me that I let the guy know that I think he's pretty incredible. He's one of those types of people who lets such things immediately go to his head. He's already got a pretty large ego, and the last thing he needs is knowing that some girl thinks he's the bee's knees only five days after our initial meeting.

I guess now my strategy would be to wait for him to initiate contact with me. That is, if he still wants to talk to me. Only time will tell how all of this turns out. Until then, I sit tight, remain sober, and play the waiting game.

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Patience

I finally told him the truth (well, sort of) last night, after seeing The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and during our light dinner at a restaurant. I saw a momentary shadow of doubt cloud his face as he heard the news of me going to Cincinnati in a few days, but he recollected himself quickly and raised a beer toast,

"I feel lucky to have met you and we should keep in touch. At least once a week."

I smiled sweetly and nodded my head in agreement. Do I think that we'll keep in touch? Who knows. My heart is telling me yes but my brain is laughing sarcastically at my heart and telling it to stop being to naive. Right now I am listening to my brain and ignoring my heart for the most part.

But what a great couple of dates it was with this guy. He pays for everything and tells you exactly what you want to hear. I know, I know. There's no doubt in my mind that this guy has a fair share of women chasing after him. I mean, how could they not? But it's also oh so nice to feel like the center of this guy's attention and to savor every bit of this dating experience. What a nice change this experience was from the horrendous avalanche of cringe-worthy dates I've endured over the last several months.

If anything, if there is God, this was his way of telling me to hold on and be patient, to not settle for just any Joe Schmoe. I will get mine when the time is right, I'm sure of it.

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