Boys I Will Do Wrong

After a brief 4-day stint at NYC, I am back in Philly for a few weeks to visit friends and family. The East Coast has always been near and dear to me as this is the place where all my wildest adventures always took place and my friends and I got in all sorts of ludicrous trouble (but, you know, in a good way).

This Saturday was no exception as one of my best friends and I decided to have ourselves a little reunion and go out to our old weekly hangout for some drinks and dancing. It was pretty crazy that, despite being away from the city for so long, I managed to run into pretty much everyone I know, from the guy who is this high school teacher by day and an insanely awesome dancer by night, to two of the girls from my high school (whom I never got along with, but I felt that it was awesome to see them anyway, since I looked damn good that night), to a guy I went on a date with two years ago.

With always having to go out with guy friends in Cincinnati, I felt so in my element finally going out with a GIRL, and dancing my heart out and enjoying male attention. I felt good. I felt like I was back on my home turf.

Around 1:00am, this gorgeous guy started dancing with me. Instantly, I felt this chemistry that's been lacking from all of my recent dates. This guy's smile, his eyes, his moves - everything seemed perfect to me in the strobe lights on the dance floor. But that's when it went downhill, and this time, I was the one to blame.

See, my goal that night was to dance, have fun, flirt, and not start up anything serious with any of the guys that crossed my path. So when this guy asked me where I lived, I told him that I still resided in Philly and went to graduate school here too. No mention of Cincinnati was brought up - my fatal mistake.

You see, because when he got my number at the end of that night, I didn't actually think that he would call. When he planted a brief kiss on my lips right before I left the bar, I thanked him for his company and told him to give me a call, without ever expecting to hear from him again. After all, why would I want to keep in touch? I was soon to go back to Cincinnati.

When he called tonight, I didn't except our conversation to go on for 40 minutes. I didn't expect him to be an ambitious, funny, polite, interesting guy. I didn't expect him to like the same music I do and have the same taste in movies as me. I certainly didn't expect him to ask me out on a date this weekend.

But he did. And now I am sitting sulking in the very same grave I decided to dig for myself the minute I lied to him about my current place of residence. Sure, he might ultimately turn out to be a douche bag and our impending date may turn out to be an incredibly boring, empty affair. But what if it doesn't? What then?

Do I tell him that, oops, I lied to him this entire time we've been talking and that I actually live 10 hours away and the next time I would be visiting Philly would be in no less than 3 months?

I guess honesty is always the best policy, but I lied only because I never thought that there would be this potential for more. And I kept up the lies because I didn't want to deny myself a chance for romance, even if it only has the time to last for one date. I mean, if I told him about Cincinnati, he may have done what any sane man would do in that situation. That is, he would toss my number out and forget about me because long distance relationships never start with chance meetings at bars.

But then again, maybe the best thing for both him and me would be to tell him the truth and just get this over and done with.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

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Imagine That

"You can start seeing a clear division among the people in our class," my Fabulous Friend noted shortly after we ordered our drinks and appetizers at an upscale downtown restaurant, where everyone seemed at least a decade older than us.

"What do you mean?" I asked, not fully understanding his comment. I was still coming off of a high of our afternoon presentation, where my friend, two other members in our group, and I impressed the hell out of everyone by our concise, clear, and "quietly sophisticated", as one of the reviewers noted, presentation.

"Well, there is one group that is all about weddings and babies and bridal showers," my friend explained, clearly referring to a number of girls in our class, "And then there are people who are giving their all to put their career on a fast track," referring to us.

"Yeah, you're right. But it's kind of sad that I'm almost putting dating and social life secondary to work," I chimed in, "it's like I'm always waiting to turn the next page in my career before I can let myself get seriously involved."

"But it's not like you're meeting anyone intriguing enough to make you question your decision," my friend said, taking a sip of his vodka tonic, "Have you even had a single good date since you moved here?"

I thought back to my dating experiences. Firstly, there was a guy who told me he was twenty three, just to later reveal he was a decade older than that. That "relationship" came to an end faster than you could say "liar". There was The Drunk who was too wrapped up in drinking and partying to care about anything else. Then there was Mr. Bipolar who was just creepy. After that, there was a glimmer of hope when I started dating The Musician but that relationship, too, came to an end when I realized that his moral values were different from mine. After that, there was the Nice Guy, The Neighbor and the Creepy Beard Guy. No, no, and hell no.

"No, not really. I mean, now that I think back, The Musician wasn't half bad and if I had to pick any one of the rejects to date, I'd probably pick him before all the other ones," I said.

"Wow, talk about lowering your standards," my friend laughed.

I shrugged and looked down at my salad of goat cheese, spring mix, Raspberry vinaigrette and pistachios the waiter just placed in front of me.

"Maybe the way to my heart is through my stomach," I said, "Cause right now this salad looks more attractive than any of my dates."

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Home in the Valley, Home in the City

This quarter is almost over and my mind is already racing in excitement for an impending trip to the Big Bad City That Never Sleeps. I temporarily lost my head when looking at New York hotels online and allowed myself to make a reservation at this ultra posh, painfully hip, all sorts of gorgeous (and not too mention all sorts of expensive) hotel, located just a few seconds away from Times Square.

When I got off the phone with a knowledgeable and enthusiastic hotel employee, the reality began to sink in. That reality being that I am, after all, an unemployed graduate student and though I am pretty well off financially as compared to other poor souls journeying through the perils of grad school, I might not be making a very wise decision by paying $300 a night for a hotel room.

But then my philosophy of "We only live once" made me realize that I won't necessarily be digging a bottomless pit of debt and that I should allow myself to splurge just a little bit as a reward for an insanely productive, insanely work-filled quarter. I'll think of this as my Christmas present to myself.

When I made the reservation, the woman on the other line asked me how many people would be staying in the room, and my response was, "Just one." It made me just a tiny bit regretful that I didn't really have anyone even closely resembling a "significant other" to share the time in New York with. The city is, after all,filled with beauty and lights and joy during Christmas time, and this trip could really be very romantic if I had a sexy dude to take on this trip with me.

It also made me realize how "not into dating" I've become lately. The last date I had was about three weeks ago with another lackluster prospect and though he didn't do or didn't say anything particularly terrible, I found myself wondering just what I was doing accepting the date with him in the first place. It also didn't help that when I offered to split the check for dinner with him, he readily agreed. Don't take me for a mooch, but I like to be wined and dined on a first date.

School has been so much more interesting to me lately. My mind's been filled with all these great ideas and just by immersing myself wholeheartedly in what I am doing for my projects made me mature intellectually at an unprecedented rate.

I've accepted the fact that Ohio men are simply not my cup of tea. I don't feel in a rush to get married or to even seriously date any time soon, unless someone truly incredible comes along. I cannot settle for someone who is kind-of okay, because, really, if the guy is not pushing all the right buttons I have other things to look forward to. Things that do not involve dating. Or awkward dinner conversations. Or excuses to avoid a goodnight kiss. There are things not related to dating that I feel perfectly content in doing.

For now I look forward to my date with New York, the city that has a soft spot in my heart. And though there will be no men to share my journey and experiences with, I will feel no less thrilled to go on this trip. Who knows, maybe I'll even get to flirt with one of the cute Wall Street types somewhere along the way :)

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In the Vastness of Midwestness

I am a big city girl and I am annoyed by Ohio.

I know, I know... if I am so annoyed why don't I just get the hell out of here and go home?

Really, grad school is the only thing that's keeping me here. I mean, the friends I've met here (several of them) will probably remain my friends for the rest of my life, but I met all of them in my grad program. Anything outside of graduate school, I kind of despise.

It's not all that bad, really. I am enjoying my life, for the most part, and trying not to let the mediocrity of sleepy gray skies of the Midwestern suburbia drag me down into this cloudy abyss of blah-ness. The stale nervousness of the Ohio river, the crowd-less muddy river banks with concrete vastness of baseball stadiums, the empty streets of downtown steel and glass towers... they're all so uninspiring, so trying to be something they're not, so mocking in their mere presence.

It's like that movie I saw a few months ago where three people go to hell. But it's no ordinary hell, it's hell for people who committed suicides. So this hell has no burning fire or little horned devils running around poking sinners with their sharp pitchforks. No, this hell is just like our world... except just a little worse. This hell is just like a Midwestern town, where everyone is content living in their mediocre existence, driving their 4x4 pick-up trucks, wearing faded flannel shirts and watching public television.

All of this, strangely, makes me think of him. My former love(r) who I think of from time to time, for no apparent reason at all. The guy with an amazingly big heart, and many tiny little very over-lookable flaws that made him more endearing than irritating to me; the guy who was amazing in bed without ever being arrogant and conceited about it; the guy who, I knew, felt that I was something special.

I kind of have a feeling he's married now... and I kind of wish him all the best, with a hint of sadness remaining in my heart for all the things that could have been, but never were.

We were younger back than, but I remember the girl I used to be a few years ago and I still find many traces of her in my present self. I remember the guy he used to be and I wonder if he is still the same lovable cutie who made feel damn special and smart and wanted, without ever being in a relationship with me.

Our sunsets and sunrises were just a little brighter back then, my pillows were just a little softer when I woke up next to him, and my favorite moment of all time is still that time he, out of nowhere, pulled his car over to the side of the road just to kiss my hand and tell me how great I was.

I was never angry, never jealous, never annoyed. And maybe just a little bit infatuated with the simplicity and passion we shared with each other for a number of years.

Somehow, I am convinced that this kind of guy is simply nonexistent in the Midwest. I can't wait to move away, move somewhere. Anywhere but here.

p.s. I also just found out that the guy who broke my heart last year proposed to his current girlfriend three weeks ago. I would say, "When it rains, it pours" but, frankly, I don't care enough any more to be bothered by the news for more than a few minutes. Cheers to the happy couple.

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"Hey, Cameron. You realize if we played by the rules right now we'd be in gym"

My eye lids felt heavy in the late hours of Friday night. I struggled to stay awake, but my open real estate book (for one of the non-architecture classes I am taking) that I've allowed to be my only "distraction" was not interesting me enough to keep me alert. My mind could no longer keep up with my eyes that raced over the pages filled with pie charts and business-school terms. The couch felt so comfortable and soft and I felt my body melting into it. I was now enveloped in warmth and real estate was the last thing on my mind.

All of the sudden I was laying on a bench park, my head in Matthew Broderick's lap. I looked up at him just to make sure that it was really him. And it was, a younger version - circa Ferris Beuller-era - but it was him, nonetheless. The leaves were red and gold on the trees all around us and they continuously twirled and twirled, detaching themselves from the fragile tree branches and landing in the nearby pond, on paved paths, on the bench and on us. He was telling me something profound. He was so smart and witty, I thought with satisfaction. I raised my body up a bit so that his arms were wrapped around my waist now. His hand was holding mine, and it was my turn to speak now. I remember myself getting all philosophical on him, and I remember having the most engaging of conversations. I was surprised because, I think, a part of me realized that I was never really attracted to Matthew Broderick when I saw him in any of his movies. Sure, he was boyishly-cute and incredibly charming in Ferris Bueller, but I never had my panties up in a bunch about him.

But here I was, enjoying my time with him, on that park bench, on that warm fall day, where time seemed to stand still and the leaves just kept falling in an endless cascade. And I wished for nothing else but for him to tell me that he wanted to kiss me. He was my soul mate, right then and there, the smartest guy in the world, the guy who was not only eye candy but who I could spill my guts to, who could understand me because we were on the exact same level of intelligence, who, I could tell, wanted to make out with me just as badly as I wanted to make out with him. But we kept delaying that moment, perfectly content and slightly excited by that feeling of anticipation, when you are having that incredible mental connection but are feeling the butterflies in your stomach flutter around just like those fall leaves in the wind. What a wonderful feeling it was to experience once again, even if the object of my affection was Ferris Bueller.

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Time to Make a Change

Vote, vote, vote. Vote with passion, vote because you care. Vote because there are things that are worth giving a damn. Vote because we are only given one life to live and having a choice is truly a privilege.

I am voting because when I feel hopeless and disillusioned, I can still feel like I can assert myself. I can still say that I have a voice. My decision is mine and mine alone. My decision is as simple as deciding to get up early in the morning and show up at my voting location.

I am voting because I need change. I am voting because I am homesick. I am voting because I am overworked. I am voting because I feel discouraged. I am voting because I want to establish my presence. I am pouring my passions and frustrations into something that I think will make a difference. I am voting because I still believe in the right to choose.

Vote to choose. Choose to vote.

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Sure Thing, Babe

It's been a bit unsettling to me as to how pessimistic I've been feeling about dating lately. Just to give a most recent example of what I'm talking about, I'll relay my most recent encounter with a guy who seemed to have some dating potential in my eyes.

After we exchanged numbers at a bar, I received a text message from him asking me if I was free to go see a movie that saturday. First of all, a fucking movie? I've always considered that to be sort of a cop out date because you can't really talk in the movie theater so what is the damn point of going to the movies with a stranger? You will still walk away from this date a stranger.

Second of all, a fucking text message? And it's not just him who prefers to text, not to call. I understand that text messages are so wonderfully convenient when you want to relay an important bit of information to someone but do not really have the time for a long phone conversation. Yes, text messaging comes in handy there, but not when you are asking someone out on a date! How tacky, how cowardly, how distasteful. And he is probably the fourth person in a row that prefers to text me more than call me. What's up with that, I say.

I bluntly texted him that I would prefer it if we had a phone conversation before we make plans to hang out, and luckily he seemed okay with that. He called me that evening and I was pleasantly surprised to find out that he actually did not have a personality of a cardboard cutout. He seemed lively, humorous, intelligent, and I was again reminded as to how sexy his voice sounds.

That said and done, we made plans to see a freaking movie. Hell, I thought, it's been some time since I've been on a date, maybe a movie isn't such a bad idea. I did forewarn the guy that I might have to do some work over the weekend so our date plans were, by no means, definite.

Friday, the day before the date came, and to my dismay I began to realize that with the amount of work I had to do over the weekend, I wouldn't be able tto get out of the house at all. That meant that I had to cancel my date on Saturday. I texted him (hey, I was legitimately too busy to make a phone call!) with an apology and asked if we could reschedule for Tuesday night.
"Sure thing, babe." he texted me back.

Seriously? Babe? I sighed with disgust and showed the text message to my friend who was with me at the time. He rolled his eyes in affirmation of the inappropriateness of the guy's reply, "He's calling you babe already? You found yourself a winner."

Now Tuesday is only two days away and I am kind of looking at the impending date, if it will ever happen, with a feeling of doom, rather than excitement. I don't know when exactly I stopped enjoying dating, but that moment crept up on me and I no longer find myself excited when faced with a prospect of going on a date. Maybe it's the quality of guys I am meeting in this city. Or maybe it's not them, it's me. Regardless of the reasons, if I do go on this particular date and he calls me "babe" as soon as he greets me, I am so outta there.

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